[ there really was no reason to lie to her about staying or going. He wouldn't benefit, and neither would she.
Considering she's his first actual friend (well, second, but what use was it to consider whether there had been a friendship or not between him and Zhongli when he was clearly strung along by the archon for his own intentions), he has a long way to go to recognize subtle signs. Despite that, the way she asks in this context is clear that for whatever reason, she is trying to get him to go with her. His expression doesn't waver, and although his brain connects what she's trying to get at, everything in his head seems to be forced into the other direction. it's like fighting a current to swim upstream with the force that he feels pressuring him to drop such a concept immediately and forces him into terrible thoughts, thoughts that suffocate and grind salt into wounds while laughing, crying, pleading. It's a voice of one, and yet it's a voice of too many in the same manner, and it tells him not to go, not to be tricked into thinking she might want him around for more than the simple fact he'll then only be a nuisance at best rather than an actual threat.
He can shrug that off normally, knowing that he really has no chance to make any real friends in his being a Harbinger, especially after Zhongli, and accept the superficial friendships for what they are. There's something else nagging incessantly at him, though, an insistence that he should feel what he has not bothered to feel in a long time: not only is he truly unwanted (especially now—was everyone he clashed with supposed to just pretend it never happened and be okay with him in their group? Haha,) but that he's needed on this side. That he will play a pivotal role in the outcomes of the future and he must be with the Kenoma to fulfill it for... for what? For the sake of ending this world to start over rather than fix the overwhelming disaster it's supposedly become?
This...
Shit, there's something wrong. Where did all this awful sludge of emotional trash suddenly come from? This is not him. Is this how the Kenoma deals with those that accept it but so much as even acknowledge that defecting is something that they could do? He doesn't want this, he doesn't want to be eaten away emotionally while he's struggling physically to control himself, especially with him in less than optimal condition for this. Lumine's not at the top of her game either, it's stupid to fight with her. It's maybe plain wrong even in his eyes. He should back off, should wait for another time.
Xishen is watching, though. Even if he can overcome this mental disaster, he will definitely make things complicated for them both going with the enemy suddenly. That's not in his best interests— and it's not in Lumine's, either. He doesn't say a word beyond grimacing from the painful buzz in his head, before he'll jerk his body to suddenly throw his lance like a javelin aiming for Lumine's shoulder with an intense amount of force. He's probably out to skewer her and pin her down. She'll have to block it or take the hit, though, because if she dodges, there's a really good chance someone behind her will be struck instead. ]
no subject
Considering she's his first actual friend (well, second, but what use was it to consider whether there had been a friendship or not between him and Zhongli when he was clearly strung along by the archon for his own intentions), he has a long way to go to recognize subtle signs. Despite that, the way she asks in this context is clear that for whatever reason, she is trying to get him to go with her. His expression doesn't waver, and although his brain connects what she's trying to get at, everything in his head seems to be forced into the other direction. it's like fighting a current to swim upstream with the force that he feels pressuring him to drop such a concept immediately and forces him into terrible thoughts, thoughts that suffocate and grind salt into wounds while laughing, crying, pleading. It's a voice of one, and yet it's a voice of too many in the same manner, and it tells him not to go, not to be tricked into thinking she might want him around for more than the simple fact he'll then only be a nuisance at best rather than an actual threat.
He can shrug that off normally, knowing that he really has no chance to make any real friends in his being a Harbinger, especially after Zhongli, and accept the superficial friendships for what they are. There's something else nagging incessantly at him, though, an insistence that he should feel what he has not bothered to feel in a long time: not only is he truly unwanted (especially now—was everyone he clashed with supposed to just pretend it never happened and be okay with him in their group? Haha,) but that he's needed on this side. That he will play a pivotal role in the outcomes of the future and he must be with the Kenoma to fulfill it for... for what? For the sake of ending this world to start over rather than fix the overwhelming disaster it's supposedly become?
This...
Shit, there's something wrong. Where did all this awful sludge of emotional trash suddenly come from? This is not him. Is this how the Kenoma deals with those that accept it but so much as even acknowledge that defecting is something that they could do? He doesn't want this, he doesn't want to be eaten away emotionally while he's struggling physically to control himself, especially with him in less than optimal condition for this. Lumine's not at the top of her game either, it's stupid to fight with her. It's maybe plain wrong even in his eyes. He should back off, should wait for another time.
Xishen is watching, though. Even if he can overcome this mental disaster, he will definitely make things complicated for them both going with the enemy suddenly. That's not in his best interests— and it's not in Lumine's, either. He doesn't say a word beyond grimacing from the painful buzz in his head, before he'll jerk his body to suddenly throw his lance like a javelin aiming for Lumine's shoulder with an intense amount of force. He's probably out to skewer her and pin her down. She'll have to block it or take the hit, though, because if she dodges, there's a really good chance someone behind her will be struck instead. ]