[ there are three things he's known to be true, since moiraine disappeared:
he is alone; horos is dangerous; he cannot afford to be weak.
if there anything that he'd learned while trapped at the mercy of their enemies, it is that all of those things are true, and that he still hadn't taken them seriously enough. weakness saw him naive and deceivable, saw him captured, gave the kenoma targets just to get at him. he hadn't realized how dangerous horos really is, and for that, he'd suffered. worse: he'd brought suffering on other people.
but if he were really alone, then ernesto and akua would not have come for him. abel would not be here, unflinching in the face of everything. himeka would not have reminded him, we don't leave our friends behind. it doesn't add up with what he'd believed.
which means he's done something wrong. because he knows in a bone-deep way that he does not get any choice in what kind of person he is. he does not get to decide that. he will inevitably drag people down with him, because it's already begun. it isn't even what he does, it's what he is.
so the pitch of the misery radiating off him doesn't abate with abel's kind words. they are so, so hard to hear. but he isn't ready to speak yet, let alone look up, so he just shakes his head. ]
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he is alone; horos is dangerous; he cannot afford to be weak.
if there anything that he'd learned while trapped at the mercy of their enemies, it is that all of those things are true, and that he still hadn't taken them seriously enough. weakness saw him naive and deceivable, saw him captured, gave the kenoma targets just to get at him. he hadn't realized how dangerous horos really is, and for that, he'd suffered. worse: he'd brought suffering on other people.
but if he were really alone, then ernesto and akua would not have come for him. abel would not be here, unflinching in the face of everything. himeka would not have reminded him, we don't leave our friends behind. it doesn't add up with what he'd believed.
which means he's done something wrong. because he knows in a bone-deep way that he does not get any choice in what kind of person he is. he does not get to decide that. he will inevitably drag people down with him, because it's already begun. it isn't even what he does, it's what he is.
so the pitch of the misery radiating off him doesn't abate with abel's kind words. they are so, so hard to hear. but he isn't ready to speak yet, let alone look up, so he just shakes his head. ]