[ Yes, he does sometimes wonder what's the point of living -- at least for himself. And yes, he knows that choosing the way one dies is a luxury, too. It just ... seems like a realistic one to aim for. Something that doesn't seem like too much to ask for. For himself, certainly, and maybe for others as well.
At least he has the good sense not to voice that grim sentiment out loud, answering Ciel with only a moment of prolonged silence as he stares at the countertop without really seeing it.
It's only the mention of his arm that properly draws his focus once more. ]
... this doesn't have anything to do with that.
[ 'This,' he calls it. It's hard breaking habit -- he's far too accustomed to using abstract terms or straight-out lying when discussing things that disturb him, if he'll even permit any discussion of them at all. Case in point, he's clearly reluctant to discuss the matter in any detail, averting his gaze and shifting position to angle that truncated arm away from Ciel's view. Even as he continues to dig his fingers into the tense line of his shoulder, willing that pressure to override the phantom pain prickling through his nerves.
Even as his words come forced unnaturally flat when he mutters, ]
no subject
At least he has the good sense not to voice that grim sentiment out loud, answering Ciel with only a moment of prolonged silence as he stares at the countertop without really seeing it.
It's only the mention of his arm that properly draws his focus once more. ]
... this doesn't have anything to do with that.
[ 'This,' he calls it. It's hard breaking habit -- he's far too accustomed to using abstract terms or straight-out lying when discussing things that disturb him, if he'll even permit any discussion of them at all. Case in point, he's clearly reluctant to discuss the matter in any detail, averting his gaze and shifting position to angle that truncated arm away from Ciel's view. Even as he continues to dig his fingers into the tense line of his shoulder, willing that pressure to override the phantom pain prickling through his nerves.
Even as his words come forced unnaturally flat when he mutters, ]
I only did what I had to.