[ Shit, but it hurts him to see how much he's hurt her. He doesn't know what to do with this level of emotional pain; it's so rare that he experiences it, and normally when he does, he solves it by doing... this. Disappearing on a bender for days at a time, however long it takes or until someone comes to collect him. He wants to just pull right back up to the bar, take that drink she'd denied him, get another; he can't.
He has no idea what he's supposed to do but follow her, feeling her pain with his own coming up to meet it, exacerbate it, helpless.
Her voice startles him at first, and then his heart sinks further. She thinks he's mad at her...
Fuck.
Amos is silent for a long moment, standing behind her, and he's pretty sure he's never felt this shitty in his life. When he speaks, his voice is rough but quiet. ]
I'm not mad at you.
[ How could he be... shit. It's grief he's feeling, not that he knows it; either way, none of it's for him. All of it's for her. Everything he's put her through, from forcing her to experience the worst moments of his life alongside him to threatening her to this. To having inadvertently made her think this is all her fault. Maybe he really does need to go back, get some real food, get some real sleep. Maybe it really is time.
But first, he needs to apologize, doesn't he. ]
I'm sorry. Everything I put you through... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.
[ That's what's killing him. Not a whole lot else. Whatever it is she wants from him now, he'll do it, as if that'll help make things up to her. As if that's possible. ]
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He has no idea what he's supposed to do but follow her, feeling her pain with his own coming up to meet it, exacerbate it, helpless.
Her voice startles him at first, and then his heart sinks further. She thinks he's mad at her...
Fuck.
Amos is silent for a long moment, standing behind her, and he's pretty sure he's never felt this shitty in his life. When he speaks, his voice is rough but quiet. ]
I'm not mad at you.
[ How could he be... shit. It's grief he's feeling, not that he knows it; either way, none of it's for him. All of it's for her. Everything he's put her through, from forcing her to experience the worst moments of his life alongside him to threatening her to this. To having inadvertently made her think this is all her fault. Maybe he really does need to go back, get some real food, get some real sleep. Maybe it really is time.
But first, he needs to apologize, doesn't he. ]
I'm sorry. Everything I put you through... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.
[ That's what's killing him. Not a whole lot else. Whatever it is she wants from him now, he'll do it, as if that'll help make things up to her. As if that's possible. ]