[open] you know what your problem is?

[baltimores]

WHO: Amos, any Kenoma
WHAT: Amos rewards himself for being cured of Innocence by going on a depression bender.
WHERE: Throughout Achamoth
WHEN: Towards the end of/after the event
WARNINGS: Depression, self-loathing, a little suicidal ideation, lots of drinking, references to brothels, discussion of domestic violence/sexual assault/prostitution/child prostitution; will update as necessary



[ So, this sucks.

Getting out of Venera as soon as possible had been the only thing on Amos' mind once Misa had forced him out of Innocence's grip. That thing had exploited his vulnerabilities, manipulated him, turned him into a puppet to spread its nonsensical, fucked up somewhat understandable agenda, and he needed to leave immediately, before he fell victim to it again.

His legacy's shrine is one of the closest to Achamoth. Easy.

He had to swim across a lake and spend days walking across farmland in waterlogged boots before he actually made it back to the city. Less easy.

Though for all of the personal discomfort and frustration that brought with it, it was readily ignored by spending that time mentally reviewing everything he did while he was fucked in the head, now that he could with proper context. All of the harm he'd caused, all of the ways he'd refused to listen to reason, being reminded of the fact that all he's really good for is ruining other people's lives. Turns out that sucks.

Then there's the fact that ever since an initial mishap during one of his first days in Achamoth, he's been careful to not go out into the city with his shard exposed — but since anything he'd used to cover it up had ended up getting destroyed in Venera, he has no choice but to subject himself to. This. When he's the last person who should be revered or admired in any way, and now he has no way to avoid it.

The first stop on Amos' list is somewhere that can get him clothed again, courtesy of I don't have any money but I am an Aion can I please just have a shirt now. All subsequent stops are, well... ]


i. so just drinking and fucking

[ Going back to the Citadel isn't even remotely on his mind, certainly not when he's got plenty of self-pity to wallow in.

Amos sticks to the seedier parts of Achamoth, weaving his way through various bars and brothels as the mood strikes him. He still doesn't have any money on him, so it's a whole lot of showing off his shard to get either free booze, comped sex, or serve as a credible IOU (and one that, to the meagre credit he has left, he'll actually fulfil once he's had the chance to get his head back on straight and reacquire finances from the Citadel). It isn't hedonism he's fully sinking into so much as I'm a bad person, I feel like shit, I'm going to do things that physically make me feel less like shit. There are worse coping mechanisms, he figures; if there actually aren't, he doesn't care.

He ignores all communion messages he feels coming through; the best anyone can hope for if they try to reach out to him directly is a tacit acknowledgment that he's still alive, combined with maybe a somewhat hazy impression of his immediate surroundings, if that latter part ends up slipping through.

That, or maybe you just so happen to run into him in some shithole dive bar or upon leaving a brothel.

Either way, there really isn't a whole lot he can do if you end up in physically the same space as him, is there. ]


ii. till they run out of one or the other

[ At some point, he actually does have to go back to the Citadel.

He's clearly worse for the wear when he finally shows back up there, rough around the edges when he finally delivers his report to Xishen — several days late, but who's counting — and then has free reign of... well, not the entire place, but the usual.

Fuck, does he need a shower. And a nap. And maybe another drink, because why the hell not. Even though he may not necessarily look it, Amos is certainly feeling better; otherwise, he wouldn't have ended up back here.

Maybe he's dishevelled, maybe he's finally had the chance to clean up; maybe he's briefly roaming the hallways, maybe he's taking advantage of having his own spacious room again. Either way, he's certainly more receptive to company, having gotten most of... that... out of his system in the city.

Though Amos isn't forgetting how easily led astray he was, all in the name of hurting people, anytime soon. That part still bothers him, but when hasn't that been a regular part of his psyche, anyway. ]


iii. wildcard

[ I'm at arii#6412 or cadiai if we need to talk specifics. ]

Comments

[hundredpower]

[Barnaby listens with interest. He'd already had an idea before that Amos never had the easiest time wherever he was from, but things are starting to make more sense now.]

Did you grow up on Earth, and leave for space later...?

[It would follow from what he said before, but he doesn't want to jump to conclusions. And for someone who wanted to get away from it all, going into space is about as dramatic an escape as one can get.]

[baltimores]

Yeah.

[ That's really all he's got. It's hard to think that much about the past, especially when he doesn't really see a point to it. Earth is done and over with. It's fine. He's just... doing this right now, as he decides to reach for his water after all, misses it, recalculates, gets it right on the second go. Turns out it feels nice going down his throat. His mind's still fuzzy, which is very much by design, but this break is kinda nice.

Amos manages to put his glass down without spilling it before quizzically looking up at Barnaby. ]

Why? You planning on going up there? Don't think that's possible here.

[hundredpower]

[Barnaby's watching in slight concern as Amos struggles with the glass of water, worried he might just miss his mouth altogether and tip the glass down himself, but he seems to manage. It's at that time the barman returns, with two steaming bowls of stew.]

Thank you. [He says, smiling to the barman, before turning his attention back to Amos.] No, but I'd be lying if I said I never imagined what it must be like when I was young. I never thought I'd be able to speak with someone who experienced it for themselves.

[baltimores]

[ Barnaby's concern is duly not noted; Amos is just living his life. He does have the wherewithal to nod in thanks to the barman as the stew arrives, picking up his spoon immediately after and digging in. There's a soft noise of bliss as he shoves the first spoonful in his mouth — is it that good because it's still better than what he's used to after most of his life? Because it turns out he really was that hungry? Because it actually is good? All three? — and at first, Amos probably seems like he's spending more energy concentrating on his food than anything Barnaby has to say.

But then he swallows and, while digging his spoon back into the bowl, Amos looks back up at him. ]

Yeah. Forget that sometimes. There were times in Baltimore I'd just be sitting on the docks, staring up at the rockets leaving and wondering what it was like. But then when I actually got up there, wasn't anything special. Kinda boring, really. Which probably meant things were better there.

[ And with that, he shoves another spoonful into his mouth. ]

[hundredpower]

[Barnaby's pleased to see he actually has an appetite, even if he's picking a little more daintily at his own food. (This really isn't the kind of place he likes to eat.) As Amos speaks, he nods in understanding.]

Suppose you had the choice when the world is remade... [He sets down his spoon, looking at Amos.] Would you recreate your old life in space? Or would you like to start over once again?

[It's a delicate question, but he supposes now is as good a time to ask as any.]

[baltimores]

[ Depending on how quickly Amos finishes his bowl and just how dainty Barnaby's being, he might just ask him if he's gonna finish that and take Barnaby's stew for himself. First things first, though, as he continues digging into his own food with more instinct than enthusiasm — just turns out the instinct's strong.

Though he does look up at the question, and for what's probably an unnervingly long time, stares across at Barnaby with an unreadable expression, like he's trying to figure out the answer, and Barnaby has it. Or like he's trying to parse why he's being asked this to begin with.

Eventually, though, Amos sets his spoon down properly. When he speaks, his voice is full of far more conviction than he should be capable of, given his current state. ]

Pretty sure the idea is to remake it so people like me don't exist. [ Which kinda nullifies the purpose of Barnaby's question, doesn't it. After another moment he sighs and reaches for his water, doing a far better job of it this time. ] Guess that means starting over, but on an Earth that isn't so crappy. I dunno if I'd have had a reason to go to space to begin with if that was the case. Probably not.

[hundredpower]

[If Amos does ask him for it, he'll just slide the bowl along to him without further discussion. Once he might have complained that kind of behaviour was rude, but he's gotten so used to it from his partner back home that he hardly bats an eye even when others behave the same way. It's kind of endearing, not that he'll admit it about Amos of all people.

As for that stare Barnaby gets, he just meets it with a cool expression, apparently unruffled rather than unsettled; he can keep up a poker face for hours. When Amos finally speaks and breaks the tension, Barnaby reaches to sip his water as he considers his response.]

That's true. Then I suppose you should think about how you'd like Earth to be, so you know what you'll be fighting for when the time comes.

[baltimores]

[ Barnaby. Please. This is far too much thinking about topics of too much importance for him right now.

At a loss, Amos mimics Barnaby's motion, taking another sip out of his glass. When he puts it down, he's just left staring into it, a calm, smooth surface of pristine water, and it's kinda fucking with him. ]

I have no fucking clue what Earth should be like. [ He doesn't look up, speaking more to his water than to Barnaby. ] All I ever knew was shit. Cap said he came from somewhere nice, but even he wanted to be in space, not on Earth. Maybe it's unsalvageable. Maybe no matter what we do, it'll all just be shit.

[ His gaze shifts back over to his stew, and when he picks his spoon back up it's more mechanical than anything else. Going through the motions, shoving its contents into his mouth so he can recharge and get back to getting drunk out of his mind. This kinda sucks now, actually. ]

[hundredpower]

Truthfully, I don't know what the world should look like, either. [He's talked about it with other Kenoma, and he's still at a loss. He'd rather have no part in that aspect of their task; better to entrust it to someone with a real vision for the future.]

But I don't think you should discard the idea of trying to make things better, even if you don't have an idea of the end result yet. You... [He pauses, looks at the other man. Ugh, why is he trying to give a pep talk to Amos of all people? Even when he's no longer here, the habits of a certain meddlesome old man keep rubbing off on him.] ...You seem like someone who works very hard, when you have a goal you set your mind to. It doesn't suit you to give up here.

[If that's what this is. It's really not his business, and he doesn't know what drove him this low to begin with, beyond a vague suspicion it was probably recent events in Venera, but he'll throw his advice out there nonetheless.]

[baltimores]

[ Amos' eyes click back up to Barnaby's, watching him. He's still and silent for longer than would be considered socially acceptable again, really considering his words — and not the fact that it's Barnaby, who he obviously has a complicated history with, saying them to him. He just takes that part for granted; in part because what's being said to him is more interesting than who it is saying it, in part because he's very much inebriated.

Eventually, ] 'm not giving up. [ He picks up his spoon again, shoves a healthy amount of stew in his mouth. ] Just... working through some stuff. I'll be fine. [ And he really does mean that. Disheveled mess that he is, as much as he certainly does not belong in public, there's a casual confidence to his words. ] I can do what we gotta do. Just. Need a little more time is all.

[ What we gotta do be bring about an end to reality as they know it. Same as any other job, really. Amos reaches down to collect more stew, hits an empty bowl. Looks back up, across at how much Barnaby has left. His eyes are still on his bowl when he speaks up again. ]

Not like it's up to us to decide what things'll look like. 's okay. Regent knows what they're doing.

[hundredpower]

[Unfazed once again by the long pause, Barnaby already has a quiet reply at the ready.] Are you really working through things, or trying to escape from them?

[He's not above indulging when it comes to alcohol, but he can't say he's ever found answers at the bottom of a bottle. And sometimes when the buzz wore off, he felt worse than when he started, so it was rarely a habit that appealed to him in excess.]

Here. [He passes him his bowl, given how obvious Amos had been about staring at it. He doesn't have much of an appetite himself.]

Why don't you come back to the Citadel with me when we're done here? When you get some rest and clear your head, you'll be able to think things through properly.

[baltimores]

[ Amos makes no move but for his eyes flicking back up to Barnaby's. Meeting him head on. And, voice flat, ] Both.

[ Aren't they the same thing? At some point you're gonna hit a wall, only be able to go so far as working your way through something before you need to escape it. There are some things that can't be worked through. This isn't one of them, but going out and getting hammered until he can no longer see straight and then some has been a tried and true method for him. Fucking with it would be stupid.

He accepts the bowl, already digging into it, getting his second helping. Yeah, he'll be able to keep going after this. He doesn't even look up at Barnaby's suggestion, just offering up a one-shouldered shrug. ]

Don't need to clear my head. I'm good. [ He is very obviously not good. He reaches for his water regardless, downs what was left of it in one go, exhales. ] Think I'm just better off staying out here.

[ If his mind is so dulled but still his then he can't exactly be a threat to anyone, can he? Not any more than normal at least, but he's also well past the point of caring, so it doesn't really matter either way. It's better to keep that party going. ]

[hundredpower]

...

[It seems irresponsible to just leave him here, but Amos is a grown man who can do whatever he wants, and Achamoth is the perfect place to indulge drowning in one's vices. That Barnaby disapproves of something that is ultimately none of his business is... well. None of his business.

He turns his gaze away and fishes in his pocket for a few quartz pieces to pay the barman, then gets to his feet.]

Then do as you please, but try not to inconvenience others by making them worry about you. [He doesn't know anything about Amos's relationship to the other Kenoma, but if nothing else, his absence in the Citadel is bound to be noticed sooner or later, if he's not spotted by someone else out here in the way Barnaby stumbled across him.]

[baltimores]

[ Amos' grunt in response is the only sign Barnaby should get that he's heard him at all. He keeps his gaze down, focused on the food in front of him, barely even registering the fact that Barnaby has paid.

His mere existence is an inconvenience. Nobody's going to worry about him.

He'll learn, at the end of this, just how false that thought is. Just how much he cannot go spiralling off like this again. But in the meantime... there really isn't any evidence to the contrary, and when he's done here, he's gonna get right back at it.

And when he's sober again, he'll remember how Barnaby — who he'd thought wanted nothing to do with him, and understandably so — had come to him anyway. ]