[open] you know what your problem is?

[baltimores]

WHO: Amos, any Kenoma
WHAT: Amos rewards himself for being cured of Innocence by going on a depression bender.
WHERE: Throughout Achamoth
WHEN: Towards the end of/after the event
WARNINGS: Depression, self-loathing, a little suicidal ideation, lots of drinking, references to brothels, discussion of domestic violence/sexual assault/prostitution/child prostitution; will update as necessary



[ So, this sucks.

Getting out of Venera as soon as possible had been the only thing on Amos' mind once Misa had forced him out of Innocence's grip. That thing had exploited his vulnerabilities, manipulated him, turned him into a puppet to spread its nonsensical, fucked up somewhat understandable agenda, and he needed to leave immediately, before he fell victim to it again.

His legacy's shrine is one of the closest to Achamoth. Easy.

He had to swim across a lake and spend days walking across farmland in waterlogged boots before he actually made it back to the city. Less easy.

Though for all of the personal discomfort and frustration that brought with it, it was readily ignored by spending that time mentally reviewing everything he did while he was fucked in the head, now that he could with proper context. All of the harm he'd caused, all of the ways he'd refused to listen to reason, being reminded of the fact that all he's really good for is ruining other people's lives. Turns out that sucks.

Then there's the fact that ever since an initial mishap during one of his first days in Achamoth, he's been careful to not go out into the city with his shard exposed — but since anything he'd used to cover it up had ended up getting destroyed in Venera, he has no choice but to subject himself to. This. When he's the last person who should be revered or admired in any way, and now he has no way to avoid it.

The first stop on Amos' list is somewhere that can get him clothed again, courtesy of I don't have any money but I am an Aion can I please just have a shirt now. All subsequent stops are, well... ]


i. so just drinking and fucking

[ Going back to the Citadel isn't even remotely on his mind, certainly not when he's got plenty of self-pity to wallow in.

Amos sticks to the seedier parts of Achamoth, weaving his way through various bars and brothels as the mood strikes him. He still doesn't have any money on him, so it's a whole lot of showing off his shard to get either free booze, comped sex, or serve as a credible IOU (and one that, to the meagre credit he has left, he'll actually fulfil once he's had the chance to get his head back on straight and reacquire finances from the Citadel). It isn't hedonism he's fully sinking into so much as I'm a bad person, I feel like shit, I'm going to do things that physically make me feel less like shit. There are worse coping mechanisms, he figures; if there actually aren't, he doesn't care.

He ignores all communion messages he feels coming through; the best anyone can hope for if they try to reach out to him directly is a tacit acknowledgment that he's still alive, combined with maybe a somewhat hazy impression of his immediate surroundings, if that latter part ends up slipping through.

That, or maybe you just so happen to run into him in some shithole dive bar or upon leaving a brothel.

Either way, there really isn't a whole lot he can do if you end up in physically the same space as him, is there. ]


ii. till they run out of one or the other

[ At some point, he actually does have to go back to the Citadel.

He's clearly worse for the wear when he finally shows back up there, rough around the edges when he finally delivers his report to Xishen — several days late, but who's counting — and then has free reign of... well, not the entire place, but the usual.

Fuck, does he need a shower. And a nap. And maybe another drink, because why the hell not. Even though he may not necessarily look it, Amos is certainly feeling better; otherwise, he wouldn't have ended up back here.

Maybe he's dishevelled, maybe he's finally had the chance to clean up; maybe he's briefly roaming the hallways, maybe he's taking advantage of having his own spacious room again. Either way, he's certainly more receptive to company, having gotten most of... that... out of his system in the city.

Though Amos isn't forgetting how easily led astray he was, all in the name of hurting people, anytime soon. That part still bothers him, but when hasn't that been a regular part of his psyche, anyway. ]


iii. wildcard

[ I'm at arii#6412 or cadiai if we need to talk specifics. ]

Comments

[subsist]

[ you'll get there, amos tells him, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. kaeya hasn't taken a sip of his drink just yet while he contemplates what that's supposed to mean. is it really that easy? maybe, if he really thinks about it. the more he doesn't question the kenoma, the more it just... makes sense, as strange as that sounds. it almost feels like an inevitability.

(and later on, when he is summoned by the regent, things will start to click.) ]

For me, I don't believe it's a matter of what's right or wrong.

[ things like this are never really black or white. as he understands it, the pleroma stands for preservation and perpetuity while the kenoma is the complete reversal of it. he can see himself fighting for both sides for entirely different reasons, but there's one thing that makes it easier to accept what the kenoma stands for: if their worlds are gone, if they're all that's left, then he doesn't see much of a point in fighting to keep things as status quo.

he takes a short swig of his drink before he continues, wanting to feel the burn of alcohol down his throat. ]

Seeing things through the end with the Kenoma is the only option that guarantees an outcome. Whether that outcome is favourable remains to be seen, but I suppose that's the risk we're all willing to take, isn't it?

[ he doesn't like betting on things that rely on flimsy concepts they have no control over — like hoping against all odds. ]

[baltimores]

[ He tilts his head at the idea of right and wrong, listening. To Amos, things like this are black and white. The Kenoma are trying to bring about something better for everyone, the Pleroma are trying to stop that from happening; the Kenoma are in the right, the Pleroma in the wrong. It's that simple.

But he's also well aware of his own faults, one of them being his poor sense of judgment. It's the reason he needs to find someone else to follow and listen to others. For as much as Kaeya seems to have put faith in him, it's still entirely possible — likely? — there's a lot that Kaeya can teach him. He'd never discount an ally's opinion, so he takes in everything that Kaeya has to say, considering it seriously. ]

It'll be favourable.

[ There's no doubt in his mind. Though he speaks with conviction, his voice is gentle — a reminder for Kaeya; an encouragement, rather than anything chiding. He gets being skeptic. Hell, it's almost certainly a good thing to have that. But... it'll be favourable. ]

World's pretty fucked. Mine was, this one is; I don't see how all others wouldn't be, too. Can't fix things without starting fresh. That's what we're doing here.

[ He pauses to break in his second drink, appreciating it. He hadn't had the chance to have anything of this quality for most of his life. Not really.

Amos sets his glass down, leans forward, hands resting between this legs. His tone shifts, more contemplative and open. He's said his piece based on his experience, but now... ]

I get you, though. It makes more sense to back the play we know is gonna lead to something. We know what we're doing; other than preserving stuff just for the sake of it, do they even know what they're doing? What's their end goal — kill all of us, then expect things to keep going like nothing ever happened? [ He huffs, almost derisive, almost amused. ] It's not gonna happen.

[subsist]

[ amos speaks with the conviction that kaeya is lacking, like he's sure there isn't a chance that this isn't going to end badly for any of them. kaeya has always been the type to gravitate towards people like amos — straightforward and honest, almost to a fault, but that's why he always finds himself in their orbit, drawn in by the traits he doesn't have.

when he sets his glass back down on the table, his gaze lingers on for the time being. there are so many things that are still unknown to them, but it's just like amos said: the kenoma know what they're doing. what they're expected to do. ]

I can only hope that you're right, Amos. [ that it'll be favourable. that it'll all work out in the end. ] But it's hard to disagree when you say it like that.

[ if amos believes that things are going to end favourably for them, then who is he to not believe that? ]

As for the Pleroma... I've only spoken to a handful of them, but I also have my doubts they even have an end goal in mind. If they were to defeat us, then what comes after that?

[ maybe if he were a better person, then maybe he could find a way to latch onto the faint sliver of a chance that they could make things right, but he isn't a better person at all. he never was. ]

One even claims that it isn't up to us to decide the fate of this world and others, but what about the fate of the ones that were destroyed? They deserve a fresh start, just like you said.

[ he isn't saying any of this stuff for amos' sake, because he already knows where he stands, but it's one of the few ways he has to make sense of things, to convince himself that this is the option he needs to go with. ]

[baltimores]

[ He gives Kaeya a small huff, a small smile, at the idea of it being hard to disagree with him. Picks up his glass again, takes another contemplative sip. Well, when he puts it that way. Maybe Amos is someone who can be followed after all.

It's a nice feeling; one that can probably be caught onto, especially considering the contrast between it and current subject matter. ]

Regent said something similar to me once. About how we're taking it away from everyone, not picking and choosing. Not letting anyone make their own choice. But you're right. It's just levelling the playing field. That's a good thing.

[ And when you start life on one of the lowest possible levels, there's something that's appealing about that. Not about dragging everyone else down with you, and not about bringing everyone else up. The former's a dick move, the latter impossible. It's just the only way to actually give everyone a fair shot, and Amos is getting the sense they're of the same mind here.

The Pleroma... Amos sighs. ]

I dunno how much anyone told you about when we first got here, but it was all of us together. We were all supposed to become Kenoma. Some of them refused. They were given it, and they sat around miserable and suffering for something like a week because they refused to accept it. And then they got away, and that's kinda been it. I don't think they know what they're doing. You can live moment to moment, sure, but it's not gonna get you anywhere. They'll burn themselves out, [ a shrug, ] or we'll get to them first.

[subsist]

[ this is the first time kaeya is hearing about the full story of what happened with the first wave of aions. he'd been just about to take a sip of his drink, but now he is looking over at amos, paying full attention. he hadn't been aware of the fact that the pleroma are the way they are because they refused to become kenoma, but this is good to know regardless. what does this say about him then?

he'd been just as miserable from the start, only letting up because it felt more agonizing to keep fighting it. it's only nowadays that he's starting to understand what the kenoma stands for, and yet a part of him is almost... disappointed in himself? not that he knows why, because it shouldn't really be surprising, but he tries not to think about it anymore. ]

If I'm being honest with you, Amos, I wasn't all that eager to accept the Kenoma either, and yet here I am. [ he rolls his shoulder, a half-shrug. ] Maybe some of the Pleroma can be reasoned with eventually, but I suppose you're right. One of us will get to them before they ever have a change of heart.

[ the gravity of what they're talking about isn't lost on him, but he tries to go back to what amos was saying earlier. he didn't expect the other man to have the same opinion, to want to be rid of all the disparity that is currently in place. ]

... Do you really think it's a good thing? To level the playing field. To be on equal footing as with everyone else.

[baltimores]

'Course. Why wouldn't it be?

[ Just like that. Amos can't think of a single reason why anyone would have a problem with a levelled playing field. ]

I know it's probably not gonna stay that way forever, but giving everyone a fresh start. Not letting the disparities become too great. That's the kind of thing that can be done after, right? But you can't really focus on that until everyone's on the same page first.

[ And then he takes another sip for himself, deep and contented, leaving maybe about a third left. He really can just keep going at this, as long as Kaeya'll provide. Looks back up at him, making a rather deliberate sort of eye contact, because. Well. There's evidence of Kaeya's commitment there. And what he'd said before is... ]

Maybe some of the newer ones can be brought over. The ones who haven't had the chance to get it yet... I dunno about the ones who came over with me. [ He sighs, deep, his chest visibly rising and falling with it. ] I hope so, but who knows. It's not like I had a good time with it either. I don't think anybody did. Think that's kinda the point. Like a necessary evil to remind you of all the shit out there. Remind you why you're fighting to change things, not just keep them the same.

[ There's a bitterness to his voice at the end there; he opts to drown it out by downing the rest of his glass. No, he's not on a bender anymore, but... hey. It's here. It's good. There's nothing wrong with that. ]

[subsist]

[ luckily for both of them, the bottle still has a decent amount of wine left. kaeya waits until amos is done talking and drinking the rest of his glass before he offers to pour him more. you know, he came here because he wanted to find someone who wouldn't judge him for showing the side of him that he'd rather keep a secret, but now it's beginning to feel like he's bringing the entire mood down given the direction their conversation is going.

time to put a positive spin on it. ]

I suppose that's what we're here for, hm? To make sure the disparities don't become too great.

[ is it a tall order? most likely, but they aren't going to know how hard it's going to be until they level the playing field, just like amos said.

as for the rest of this conversation... ]

Some like to keep things as status quo. Change can often be quite frightening, after all, even if it's for the better.

[ in a way, he can understand. he was pretty much on the same boat too, but it hardly matters now that they have a chance to right those wrongs just the way they wanted. he knows what amos is trying to get at though, and he can only nod his head in agreement. an easy kind of determination settles into his smile, one that's here to stay. ]

But we'll make them understand. They'll miss out if they don't, after all.

[baltimores]

[ Hell yeah, Amos'll accept more immediately, angling his glass towards the bottle Kaeya's got. Thanks, bud.

He's back to sipping this time as Kaeya speaks, and yeah, that positive spin is working. Any of the bitterness he'd been holding onto seeps away, replaced with a kind of optimism. Like, yeah. They really are here to do something good. ]

Yeah. If they don't wanna fix things, that's fine. Not like anybody's gonna get left behind when we sort everything out.

[ Which is a hell of a way to talk about ending all life as they know it, but hey. Whatever. That's what they're gonna be doing eventually.

Amos looks back up at Kaeya, a softness to his expression, mind pleasantly buzzed. This feels like a scenario he could've experienced back home. Where, even if he had the chance to be the more knowledgeable party, he'd still need to gently be guided to the right conclusion most of the time. There's an echo of familiarity to all of this, and there's something really nice about leaning into it. ]

Y'know, [ he starts out slow, setting his glass down, settling further back into his chair. Comfortable, ] this really was good shit. And it's kinda nice, getting reminders like that. I'm used to things taking a long time, and this ain't exactly gonna be any different, but never a bad thing to lay out your priorities again along the way.

[ And they've got the same ones. That's — it's such an important thing.

And whatever Kaeya had come to him for, Amos has been getting something out of it, too. So when he'd said earlier that Kaeya really could just show up whenever... he'd meant it then, but the sentiment's got all the more meaning behind it now. ]

[subsist]

[ when the mood begins to improve again, kaeya can only smile as he refills his own glass. people like amos as so easy to understand, but maybe that's why kaeya is so drawn to him like a lost child who has no idea where to go. it's almost funny how the other man hasn't changed anything about the way he acts, and yet kaeya's perception of him have changed drastically.

it's probably just the amos effect at this point. (it also helps that he's easy on the eyes too.) ]

... I must admit, I did get more out of this than I expected.

[ after all, what he wanted is to just have someone to listen, but he thinks he's going to leave here with a better idea of what he's meant to do and what role he's meant to play here. and while he doesn't think he can be completely rid of all his uncertainties, he can always rely on amos to keep him in check at the very least. ]

But I appreciate it nonetheless. Thanks for hearing me out, Amos.

[ he'd already been planning on making this a regular thing since he first brought it up, but if amos is getting something out of this too, then that's all the more reason to make this routine. ]

And I hope you know that you can come to me should you ever need anything.

[ it's a two-way street. (friendship, that is.) ]

[baltimores]

[ For Amos' part, he has not once thought about the fact that he's been without a shirt for all of this. He'd been thinking about going to bed when Kaeya had first knocked; no reason to change anything about that.

He raises his eyebrows at him on that first remark; what did he expect to get out of this? But it's a silent question as Amos takes another drink, is content to just let him continue... especially as Kaeya thanks him. ]

Sure. What're friends for?

[ Because they're friends... who else shows up at one's door late at night with drinks in hand. Being in company you want to keep means being around friends. Hell, sometimes it means being around family, but right now this is just something nice. He's not gonna make it out to be anything more than it is until the times comes for that.

And what it is is friendship.

He polishes off the rest of his glass, offers Kaeya a smile. ]

I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

[ For the wine; for the offer. Because Amos really isn't the type to go to anyone when he needs something... but having been told off by a couple of other Kenoma Lovers is gonna give him some things to think about. So. While his response is delivered plainly... maybe. Maybe he will. ]

[subsist]

... Come again?

[ for a moment there, kaeya doesn't think he'd said that out loud, but there it is in all of its confusing glory. he is looking at amos like the man just said something completely outlandish because he couldn't believe what he just heard. it isn't something he expected to hear since it's not like the two of them are particularly close— or maybe he's the only one who thinks that. at the very least, it doesn't look like amos is joking.

kaeya has always had the awful habit of assuming the worst out of everyone. that no one could possibly see him as anything more than just an acquaintance since what good will that do? he isn't an honest man. you can't really trust him, no matter what he says, but...

it's a nice thought, he thinks to himself, to call someone like amos as his friend. the last time he referred to someone as such is because he was being facetious. he doesn't want that to be the same case here, but that's probably why he is so hesitant. the strongest connection he's ever allowed himself to have didn't end well so it wouldn't surprise him if that's what happens here too.

still, if anyone could probably defy those odds, maybe amos might be the one to succeed. the man had already managed to change his perception of him without having to change anything about the way he acted, so who knows.

he lifts up his glass, tipping it towards the other man's direction. a toast. ]

To our friendship, then.

[ he downs the entire drink in one go before he could think to say anything else. maybe it wouldn't hurt to hope that this turns out favourably for both of them. it's a small sliver of a chance, but he'll allow himself to have this. ]

[baltimores]

[ Watching Kaeya take a moment to figure out whatever those feelings are going on inside him, Amos just thinks, Ah, one of those types.

Not like it does anything to dissuade him, though. He just patiently waits for Kaeya to reach whatever conclusion it is he's going to, gentle smile on his face all the while. Amos isn't the type to say shit just for the sake of it; he isn't the type to make friends easy, either. But once he's found someone, he's sure of that much. Just a matter of waiting for Kaeya to catch up to him.

So when it looks like he does, his smile widens a bit. Amos raises his empty glass in mock return toast, nods at Kaeya before setting it back down on the table between them. ]

As good a thing as any to drink to. [ A beat. ] Especially if you're gonna bring wine back around again. It's like you said, right? Drinking with good company and all that.

[ Whatever reservations Kaeya might be feeling, Amos'll take them and saunter right on through. The writing already feels like it's on the wall to him, so why dance around it, you know? He'll be there whenever Kaeya's ready to pick up the pace. ]