last man standing. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
baltimores) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
aionlogs2022-06-02 03:57 am
baltimores) wrote in aionlogs2022-06-02 03:57 am
[open] you know what your problem is?
WHO: Amos, any Kenoma
WHAT: Amos rewards himself for being cured of Innocence by going on a depression bender.
WHERE: Throughout Achamoth
WHEN: Towards the end of/after the event
WARNINGS: Depression, self-loathing, a little suicidal ideation, lots of drinking, references to brothels, discussion of domestic violence/sexual assault/prostitution/child prostitution; will update as necessary
[ So, this sucks.
Getting out of Venera as soon as possible had been the only thing on Amos' mind once Misa had forced him out of Innocence's grip. That thing had exploited his vulnerabilities, manipulated him, turned him into a puppet to spread its nonsensical, fucked upsomewhat understandable agenda, and he needed to leave immediately, before he fell victim to it again.
His legacy's shrine is one of the closest to Achamoth. Easy.
He had to swim across a lake and spend days walking across farmland in waterlogged boots before he actually made it back to the city. Less easy.
Though for all of the personal discomfort and frustration that brought with it, it was readily ignored by spending that time mentally reviewing everything he did while he was fucked in the head, now that he could with proper context. All of the harm he'd caused, all of the ways he'd refused to listen to reason, being reminded of the fact that all he's really good for is ruining other people's lives. Turns out that sucks.
Then there's the fact that ever since an initial mishap during one of his first days in Achamoth, he's been careful to not go out into the city with his shard exposed — but since anything he'd used to cover it up had ended up getting destroyed in Venera, he has no choice but to subject himself to. This. When he's the last person who should be revered or admired in any way, and now he has no way to avoid it.
The first stop on Amos' list is somewhere that can get him clothed again, courtesy of I don't have any money but I am an Aion can I please just have a shirt now. All subsequent stops are, well... ]
i. so just drinking and fucking
[ Going back to the Citadel isn't even remotely on his mind, certainly not when he's got plenty of self-pity to wallow in.
Amos sticks to the seedier parts of Achamoth, weaving his way through various bars and brothels as the mood strikes him. He still doesn't have any money on him, so it's a whole lot of showing off his shard to get either free booze, comped sex, or serve as a credible IOU (and one that, to the meagre credit he has left, he'll actually fulfil once he's had the chance to get his head back on straight and reacquire finances from the Citadel). It isn't hedonism he's fully sinking into so much as I'm a bad person, I feel like shit, I'm going to do things that physically make me feel less like shit. There are worse coping mechanisms, he figures; if there actually aren't, he doesn't care.
He ignores all communion messages he feels coming through; the best anyone can hope for if they try to reach out to him directly is a tacit acknowledgment that he's still alive, combined with maybe a somewhat hazy impression of his immediate surroundings, if that latter part ends up slipping through.
That, or maybe you just so happen to run into him in some shithole dive bar or upon leaving a brothel.
Either way, there really isn't a whole lot he can do if you end up in physically the same space as him, is there. ]
ii. till they run out of one or the other
[ At some point, he actually does have to go back to the Citadel.
He's clearly worse for the wear when he finally shows back up there, rough around the edges when he finally delivers his report to Xishen — several days late, but who's counting — and then has free reign of... well, not the entire place, but the usual.
Fuck, does he need a shower. And a nap. And maybe another drink, because why the hell not. Even though he may not necessarily look it, Amos is certainly feeling better; otherwise, he wouldn't have ended up back here.
Maybe he's dishevelled, maybe he's finally had the chance to clean up; maybe he's briefly roaming the hallways, maybe he's taking advantage of having his own spacious room again. Either way, he's certainly more receptive to company, having gotten most of... that... out of his system in the city.
Though Amos isn't forgetting how easily led astray he was, all in the name of hurting people, anytime soon. That part still bothers him, but when hasn't that been a regular part of his psyche, anyway. ]
iii. wildcard
[ I'm at arii#6412 or![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
cadiai if we need to talk specifics. ]
WHAT: Amos rewards himself for being cured of Innocence by going on a depression bender.
WHERE: Throughout Achamoth
WHEN: Towards the end of/after the event
WARNINGS: Depression, self-loathing, a little suicidal ideation, lots of drinking, references to brothels, discussion of domestic violence/sexual assault/prostitution/child prostitution; will update as necessary
[ So, this sucks.
Getting out of Venera as soon as possible had been the only thing on Amos' mind once Misa had forced him out of Innocence's grip. That thing had exploited his vulnerabilities, manipulated him, turned him into a puppet to spread its nonsensical, fucked up
His legacy's shrine is one of the closest to Achamoth. Easy.
He had to swim across a lake and spend days walking across farmland in waterlogged boots before he actually made it back to the city. Less easy.
Though for all of the personal discomfort and frustration that brought with it, it was readily ignored by spending that time mentally reviewing everything he did while he was fucked in the head, now that he could with proper context. All of the harm he'd caused, all of the ways he'd refused to listen to reason, being reminded of the fact that all he's really good for is ruining other people's lives. Turns out that sucks.
Then there's the fact that ever since an initial mishap during one of his first days in Achamoth, he's been careful to not go out into the city with his shard exposed — but since anything he'd used to cover it up had ended up getting destroyed in Venera, he has no choice but to subject himself to. This. When he's the last person who should be revered or admired in any way, and now he has no way to avoid it.
The first stop on Amos' list is somewhere that can get him clothed again, courtesy of I don't have any money but I am an Aion can I please just have a shirt now. All subsequent stops are, well... ]
i. so just drinking and fucking
[ Going back to the Citadel isn't even remotely on his mind, certainly not when he's got plenty of self-pity to wallow in.
Amos sticks to the seedier parts of Achamoth, weaving his way through various bars and brothels as the mood strikes him. He still doesn't have any money on him, so it's a whole lot of showing off his shard to get either free booze, comped sex, or serve as a credible IOU (and one that, to the meagre credit he has left, he'll actually fulfil once he's had the chance to get his head back on straight and reacquire finances from the Citadel). It isn't hedonism he's fully sinking into so much as I'm a bad person, I feel like shit, I'm going to do things that physically make me feel less like shit. There are worse coping mechanisms, he figures; if there actually aren't, he doesn't care.
He ignores all communion messages he feels coming through; the best anyone can hope for if they try to reach out to him directly is a tacit acknowledgment that he's still alive, combined with maybe a somewhat hazy impression of his immediate surroundings, if that latter part ends up slipping through.
That, or maybe you just so happen to run into him in some shithole dive bar or upon leaving a brothel.
Either way, there really isn't a whole lot he can do if you end up in physically the same space as him, is there. ]
ii. till they run out of one or the other
[ At some point, he actually does have to go back to the Citadel.
He's clearly worse for the wear when he finally shows back up there, rough around the edges when he finally delivers his report to Xishen — several days late, but who's counting — and then has free reign of... well, not the entire place, but the usual.
Fuck, does he need a shower. And a nap. And maybe another drink, because why the hell not. Even though he may not necessarily look it, Amos is certainly feeling better; otherwise, he wouldn't have ended up back here.
Maybe he's dishevelled, maybe he's finally had the chance to clean up; maybe he's briefly roaming the hallways, maybe he's taking advantage of having his own spacious room again. Either way, he's certainly more receptive to company, having gotten most of... that... out of his system in the city.
Though Amos isn't forgetting how easily led astray he was, all in the name of hurting people, anytime soon. That part still bothers him, but when hasn't that been a regular part of his psyche, anyway. ]
iii. wildcard
[ I'm at arii#6412 or
no subject
Eventually, ] 'm not giving up. [ He picks up his spoon again, shoves a healthy amount of stew in his mouth. ] Just... working through some stuff. I'll be fine. [ And he really does mean that. Disheveled mess that he is, as much as he certainly does not belong in public, there's a casual confidence to his words. ] I can do what we gotta do. Just. Need a little more time is all.
[ What we gotta do be bring about an end to reality as they know it. Same as any other job, really. Amos reaches down to collect more stew, hits an empty bowl. Looks back up, across at how much Barnaby has left. His eyes are still on his bowl when he speaks up again. ]
Not like it's up to us to decide what things'll look like. 's okay. Regent knows what they're doing.
no subject
[He's not above indulging when it comes to alcohol, but he can't say he's ever found answers at the bottom of a bottle. And sometimes when the buzz wore off, he felt worse than when he started, so it was rarely a habit that appealed to him in excess.]
Here. [He passes him his bowl, given how obvious Amos had been about staring at it. He doesn't have much of an appetite himself.]
Why don't you come back to the Citadel with me when we're done here? When you get some rest and clear your head, you'll be able to think things through properly.
no subject
[ Aren't they the same thing? At some point you're gonna hit a wall, only be able to go so far as working your way through something before you need to escape it. There are some things that can't be worked through. This isn't one of them, but going out and getting hammered until he can no longer see straight and then some has been a tried and true method for him. Fucking with it would be stupid.
He accepts the bowl, already digging into it, getting his second helping. Yeah, he'll be able to keep going after this. He doesn't even look up at Barnaby's suggestion, just offering up a one-shouldered shrug. ]
Don't need to clear my head. I'm good. [ He is very obviously not good. He reaches for his water regardless, downs what was left of it in one go, exhales. ] Think I'm just better off staying out here.
[ If his mind is so dulled but still his then he can't exactly be a threat to anyone, can he? Not any more than normal at least, but he's also well past the point of caring, so it doesn't really matter either way. It's better to keep that party going. ]
no subject
[It seems irresponsible to just leave him here, but Amos is a grown man who can do whatever he wants, and Achamoth is the perfect place to indulge drowning in one's vices. That Barnaby disapproves of something that is ultimately none of his business is... well. None of his business.
He turns his gaze away and fishes in his pocket for a few quartz pieces to pay the barman, then gets to his feet.]
Then do as you please, but try not to inconvenience others by making them worry about you. [He doesn't know anything about Amos's relationship to the other Kenoma, but if nothing else, his absence in the Citadel is bound to be noticed sooner or later, if he's not spotted by someone else out here in the way Barnaby stumbled across him.]
no subject
His mere existence is an inconvenience. Nobody's going to worry about him.
He'll learn, at the end of this, just how false that thought is. Just how much he cannot go spiralling off like this again. But in the meantime... there really isn't any evidence to the contrary, and when he's done here, he's gonna get right back at it.
And when he's sober again, he'll remember how Barnaby — who he'd thought wanted nothing to do with him, and understandably so — had come to him anyway. ]