and that's surprising. a part of him realizes he had been expecting to feel something through their bond, but not this. well-worn miseries, that make him wonder who it was that abel lost, and how, and when.
still, his head comes up as the other man goes on, eyebrows drawing together as he looks over. the advice is sound, and it makes sense, and it does mean something, it really does, but he shakes his head with a frown. ]
That's not what I'm doing.
[ that's not he sees it, at least. his attention is directed outwards, at what he doesn't want to do to other people, not what he does to himself. one matters more than the other. ]
I'm not — did you hear me? I am the danger. I am going to be the danger. [ he is past saving, isn't he? that chance vanished the moment he was born. and sometimes he remembers, in flickers, sometimes he has dreams and wakes up with his heart racing and half already forgotten. but there are impressions: the earth cracking, the blood soaking into the floor, into golden hair, dripping off his blade. and the horror, he remembers that the most clearly. ] If I hurt or killed any one of you, I'd —
[ his voice pitches to raw terror; and then he stops short, and swallows, and pulls himself back together. he's lived with this fear this long, and he'll have to for as long as he must. he really should've left when he had the chance, before
before it became impossible, as it is now. he goes on, quieter, ]
no subject
and that's surprising. a part of him realizes he had been expecting to feel something through their bond, but not this. well-worn miseries, that make him wonder who it was that abel lost, and how, and when.
still, his head comes up as the other man goes on, eyebrows drawing together as he looks over. the advice is sound, and it makes sense, and it does mean something, it really does, but he shakes his head with a frown. ]
That's not what I'm doing.
[ that's not he sees it, at least. his attention is directed outwards, at what he doesn't want to do to other people, not what he does to himself. one matters more than the other. ]
I'm not — did you hear me? I am the danger. I am going to be the danger. [ he is past saving, isn't he? that chance vanished the moment he was born. and sometimes he remembers, in flickers, sometimes he has dreams and wakes up with his heart racing and half already forgotten. but there are impressions: the earth cracking, the blood soaking into the floor, into golden hair, dripping off his blade. and the horror, he remembers that the most clearly. ] If I hurt or killed any one of you, I'd —
[ his voice pitches to raw terror; and then he stops short, and swallows, and pulls himself back together. he's lived with this fear this long, and he'll have to for as long as he must. he really should've left when he had the chance, before
before it became impossible, as it is now. he goes on, quieter, ]
...then I really would go mad.