[ Matt doesn't think Lottie's being dramatic. Her reaction here seems wholly proportionate to the situation they're in. Her sighing and slumping is kind of charming, actually--almost like she's taking all that sadness and making it something vibrant. Matt echoes the sigh in a rueful exhale. ]
Well, what's better about being at home? [ He lifts Lottie's erstwhile cocktail and takes a sip. ] No offense to our coworkers, but I don't know if being comforting is exactly their bag.
[ A delicate pause--or no, strike that, Matt's been drinking too much for delicacy. ]
Plus, some of them might even like what's going on.
[ She leaves that bit vague, because she can agree with just about everything he says. Their coworkers being questionable? Absolutely. Them maybe enjoying this too much? Yes! Being enthusiastic?? Doubly yes!! She looks at Matt like it's the first time she's really seen him, and understood him, and it gives her some sense of comfort in all of this. ]
[ Matt returns Lottie's regard with a rueful smile. He can't read everything that's in her expression--or most of it, to be honest, Matt has a bad habit of seeing multiple meanings in everything and gaslighting himself about his own emotional literacy as a result--but he's pleased that he seems to have soothed her. At the (rhetorical, likely) question, he sighs. ]
Whatever the hell normal is, [ he agrees. The throb in his left wrist makes him feel like a fraud. There's probably no definition of normal that includes "ritually sacrificing limbs for spiritual insight." Still, he'd rather try to support Lottie than worry about himself. ] I mean, I do think that some people are mainly ... acting out, and not thinking very clearly. It's hard to avoid getting us-versus-them when the other team is trying to kill you.
But that's just my impression. What are you thinking? [ He sketches a small circle with his glass, indicating just between us. ] Circle of silence.
[ When his finger, careful, delicate, runs over the rim of the glass, their food is gently placed between them. While Lottie can't smell particularly well (chalk it up to the general smell of the place, the mix of different scents and people, and her allergies), but it at least looks appetizing. Enough to get her to gingerly grab a piece of bread, seasoned and toasted perfectly on every slice as she thinks about her answer.
She slides the bowl of soup, warm and thick, a little closer to the two of them, so Matt won't have to struggle as much to reach. ]
That this is a lot different than what Game of Thrones made it out to be?
[ Her other hand reaches out for one of the plates they set out for them, letting her broth soaked bread drip onto it. ]
..Maybe not, actually. [ A purse of her lips. ] I guess I'm thinking that.. Well, not thinking, but realizing that not everyone is like us? Everyone is soo different.
And sometimes I can understand why they do what they do, [ Like Silco, and his murder quest for the Innocence. And Misa.. Well, Lottie doesn't actually know why Misa is so efficient at what she does, but she's pretty! And pretty people always have a good reason to do things. ] and then I think to myself, am I the weird one for not being in on this? Or am I weird for like, sympathizing? But I wanna stay the same. Me. But I can't. But they seem happy sometimes, so why shouldn't I?
[ Matt nods slowly as she speaks. Some of what she's saying is achingly familiar to him, resonating so deeply that it might have come out of his own head. Some of it is harder to parse. But it all makes sense to him. Lottie says "normal" and "like us," and Matt takes it to mean that they come from social contexts where most people are discouraged from ... directly brutalizing other people. Wishing for a better world, enduring nightmarish family dinners, putting on a brave face? Sure. But cheer on a public execution? Bat nary an eye at the prospect of humiliating captured opponents? Who has opponents?
Matt doesn't touch the bread and stew, at least not yet. His fingertip plink, plinks, against the rim of his glass. ]
You're not weird. [ This is soft, but firm. ] What you're feeling ... I mean, I don't know all the ins and outs, clearly, but there's no right or wrong way to process all this. How the fuck could there be? This is totally uncharted. And it's hard. It's really hard, but I think ...
That you're here for a reason. I believe that.
Maybe sympathizing and not feeling happy are pieces that we need as Kenoma. Things we have to hold onto, even while we go where we're going. Or maybe they're things you need to feel now, and that's enough.
[ Moodily, she takes a bite out of her bread. It is unexpectedly.. Delicious? And complements what Matt is making her feel and think as he speaks to her. Because when he tells her she isn't weird, for a few moments she really does believe him (even without the whole Aion thing, Lottie can admit she's always been a little high strung and strange when she's left to operate by herself). Lottie purses her lips, lets the bartender set down some glasses of water off to their side without so much a word.
And then, when she's dabbing at her lips with a napkin, she uses that time to think. It looks like she's considering something before she takes her snack and places it away and onto her plate. As much as she wants to theorize that the Regent is systematically doing this to make them stronger, she's forgotten a very important thing: ]
[ How he's feeling ... the million-jool question. Apart from "miserable," that is, which feels like a symptom rather than a root. Matt thinks of Abel and Himeka. Of Estinien, raising his lance. Of Flora's pale, pinched face as she'd slowly grown quieter and quieter, receding into herself. ]
I feel like a bad person, [ he admits, in a tone of soft surprise. Almost hollow. ] Which probably isn't how a wildfire feels when it's tearing up a forest.
I think the thing for me is I know how to channel power, so whether it's power that comes from my world or straight from the Kenoma, mechanically it feels pretty similar. I just don't know what that ... makes me.
Or if what I am really matters that much, in the grand scheme of things.
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no subject
Well, what's better about being at home? [ He lifts Lottie's erstwhile cocktail and takes a sip. ] No offense to our coworkers, but I don't know if being comforting is exactly their bag.
[ A delicate pause--or no, strike that, Matt's been drinking too much for delicacy. ]
Plus, some of them might even like what's going on.
no subject
Ugh.. Understatement of the year.
[ She leaves that bit vague, because she can agree with just about everything he says. Their coworkers being questionable? Absolutely. Them maybe enjoying this too much? Yes! Being enthusiastic?? Doubly yes!! She looks at Matt like it's the first time she's really seen him, and understood him, and it gives her some sense of comfort in all of this. ]
Are we the only normal people left?
no subject
Whatever the hell normal is, [ he agrees. The throb in his left wrist makes him feel like a fraud. There's probably no definition of normal that includes "ritually sacrificing limbs for spiritual insight." Still, he'd rather try to support Lottie than worry about himself. ] I mean, I do think that some people are mainly ... acting out, and not thinking very clearly. It's hard to avoid getting us-versus-them when the other team is trying to kill you.
But that's just my impression. What are you thinking? [ He sketches a small circle with his glass, indicating just between us. ] Circle of silence.
no subject
She slides the bowl of soup, warm and thick, a little closer to the two of them, so Matt won't have to struggle as much to reach. ]
That this is a lot different than what Game of Thrones made it out to be?
[ Her other hand reaches out for one of the plates they set out for them, letting her broth soaked bread drip onto it. ]
..Maybe not, actually. [ A purse of her lips. ] I guess I'm thinking that.. Well, not thinking, but realizing that not everyone is like us? Everyone is soo different.
And sometimes I can understand why they do what they do, [ Like Silco, and his murder quest for the Innocence. And Misa.. Well, Lottie doesn't actually know why Misa is so efficient at what she does, but she's pretty! And pretty people always have a good reason to do things. ] and then I think to myself, am I the weird one for not being in on this? Or am I weird for like, sympathizing? But I wanna stay the same. Me. But I can't. But they seem happy sometimes, so why shouldn't I?
no subject
Matt doesn't touch the bread and stew, at least not yet. His fingertip plink, plinks, against the rim of his glass. ]
You're not weird. [ This is soft, but firm. ] What you're feeling ... I mean, I don't know all the ins and outs, clearly, but there's no right or wrong way to process all this. How the fuck could there be? This is totally uncharted. And it's hard. It's really hard, but I think ...
That you're here for a reason. I believe that.
Maybe sympathizing and not feeling happy are pieces that we need as Kenoma. Things we have to hold onto, even while we go where we're going. Or maybe they're things you need to feel now, and that's enough.
no subject
And then, when she's dabbing at her lips with a napkin, she uses that time to think. It looks like she's considering something before she takes her snack and places it away and onto her plate. As much as she wants to theorize that the Regent is systematically doing this to make them stronger, she's forgotten a very important thing: ]
How are you feeling? The same way or..?
no subject
I feel like a bad person, [ he admits, in a tone of soft surprise. Almost hollow. ] Which probably isn't how a wildfire feels when it's tearing up a forest.
I think the thing for me is I know how to channel power, so whether it's power that comes from my world or straight from the Kenoma, mechanically it feels pretty similar. I just don't know what that ... makes me.
Or if what I am really matters that much, in the grand scheme of things.