[open] you know what your problem is?

[baltimores]

WHO: Amos, any Kenoma
WHAT: Amos rewards himself for being cured of Innocence by going on a depression bender.
WHERE: Throughout Achamoth
WHEN: Towards the end of/after the event
WARNINGS: Depression, self-loathing, a little suicidal ideation, lots of drinking, references to brothels, discussion of domestic violence/sexual assault/prostitution/child prostitution; will update as necessary



[ So, this sucks.

Getting out of Venera as soon as possible had been the only thing on Amos' mind once Misa had forced him out of Innocence's grip. That thing had exploited his vulnerabilities, manipulated him, turned him into a puppet to spread its nonsensical, fucked up somewhat understandable agenda, and he needed to leave immediately, before he fell victim to it again.

His legacy's shrine is one of the closest to Achamoth. Easy.

He had to swim across a lake and spend days walking across farmland in waterlogged boots before he actually made it back to the city. Less easy.

Though for all of the personal discomfort and frustration that brought with it, it was readily ignored by spending that time mentally reviewing everything he did while he was fucked in the head, now that he could with proper context. All of the harm he'd caused, all of the ways he'd refused to listen to reason, being reminded of the fact that all he's really good for is ruining other people's lives. Turns out that sucks.

Then there's the fact that ever since an initial mishap during one of his first days in Achamoth, he's been careful to not go out into the city with his shard exposed — but since anything he'd used to cover it up had ended up getting destroyed in Venera, he has no choice but to subject himself to. This. When he's the last person who should be revered or admired in any way, and now he has no way to avoid it.

The first stop on Amos' list is somewhere that can get him clothed again, courtesy of I don't have any money but I am an Aion can I please just have a shirt now. All subsequent stops are, well... ]


i. so just drinking and fucking

[ Going back to the Citadel isn't even remotely on his mind, certainly not when he's got plenty of self-pity to wallow in.

Amos sticks to the seedier parts of Achamoth, weaving his way through various bars and brothels as the mood strikes him. He still doesn't have any money on him, so it's a whole lot of showing off his shard to get either free booze, comped sex, or serve as a credible IOU (and one that, to the meagre credit he has left, he'll actually fulfil once he's had the chance to get his head back on straight and reacquire finances from the Citadel). It isn't hedonism he's fully sinking into so much as I'm a bad person, I feel like shit, I'm going to do things that physically make me feel less like shit. There are worse coping mechanisms, he figures; if there actually aren't, he doesn't care.

He ignores all communion messages he feels coming through; the best anyone can hope for if they try to reach out to him directly is a tacit acknowledgment that he's still alive, combined with maybe a somewhat hazy impression of his immediate surroundings, if that latter part ends up slipping through.

That, or maybe you just so happen to run into him in some shithole dive bar or upon leaving a brothel.

Either way, there really isn't a whole lot he can do if you end up in physically the same space as him, is there. ]


ii. till they run out of one or the other

[ At some point, he actually does have to go back to the Citadel.

He's clearly worse for the wear when he finally shows back up there, rough around the edges when he finally delivers his report to Xishen — several days late, but who's counting — and then has free reign of... well, not the entire place, but the usual.

Fuck, does he need a shower. And a nap. And maybe another drink, because why the hell not. Even though he may not necessarily look it, Amos is certainly feeling better; otherwise, he wouldn't have ended up back here.

Maybe he's dishevelled, maybe he's finally had the chance to clean up; maybe he's briefly roaming the hallways, maybe he's taking advantage of having his own spacious room again. Either way, he's certainly more receptive to company, having gotten most of... that... out of his system in the city.

Though Amos isn't forgetting how easily led astray he was, all in the name of hurting people, anytime soon. That part still bothers him, but when hasn't that been a regular part of his psyche, anyway. ]


iii. wildcard

[ I'm at arii#6412 or cadiai if we need to talk specifics. ]

Comments

[baltimores]

[ Thing is, it's actually good to be made fun of by children, to have them watch him get dressed down and be amused by it. Because it means they're getting the chance to actually be kids, and that matters more than anything else.

Amos shakes his head at the boy, but it's all self-deprecating playfulness. And then it's all back to Ciel. ]

Yeah, alright. Swear that's what I was coming here to do to begin with, just got distracted by the smell of baking is all.

[ So if you think about it, this is actually Ciel's fault! But it's said with good humour, like he knows that isn't the case. He just doesn't want to take his lumps without dishing out some of his own in return, as obviously false as they are.

Amos follows her over to the table, eyes tracking the girl's journey, the small assembling of ingredients starting to form. He's already got the bread knife in hand, ready to get things going there when Ciel speaks up again.

... That's kind of a question, isn't it. After a moment's thought he shrugs. Really nothing to do but be honest. ]

Better's the right word for it, yeah. I got pretty fucked— messed up in Venera, [ wow, that wasn't even close to a save, ] but nothing I can do about that now. Just be better. So... I'm gonna do that.

[ Like it's that simple. Although considering how his earlier coping mechanism had been a tantrum of indulgence, maybe it actually is that simple for him? Either way, he does speak with something of a good air. Contented, as he looks around the kitchen, at the whole operation she's got going here. ]

This is good. Hard not to feel better here, anyway. [ A beat. ] You're a hell of a lot more productive than I am.

[expiera]

Hehe. First things first: get something more nutritious and filling down, so that you'll have actual fuel to burn. Any good meal ought to be rounded up with dessert anyway, hm~?

[The playful banter is accompanied by a wink of her part, it's nice to swing at this rhythm after everything that's happened. As the topic grows more sober, however, so does she.]

Right. Many of us had, it was something no amount of power or training could prepare anyone against. Dwelling over what you're powerless against won't do any good and only make you feel worse, so focusing on what you CAN change for the future is the better mindset to have.

[...]

But it's no good to keep things buried and let them fester either, so sometimes, it's also helpful to talk about things after. Air things off your chest, decompress and digest, you know?

[She gives him a more... weighted glance than before, but he doesn't have to answer, because--]

"I found sausage and veggies! Here!"

[The other boy who ran off is back with a wooden bowl, containing a half-cut roll of salami thicker than his arm, two tomatoes, and lettuce leaves. Ciel gladly accepts it.]

Goodness. Nicely done, Sacha. Thank you!

"Do I get more cookies, miss?"

Yes, I'll give you extra. Good work deserves to be rewarded, after all!

[The boy pumps a fist in celebration as Ciel puts the bowl down onto the table next to the basket, then waves him off for him to rejoin the little girl from earlier. That taken care of, she turns back to face Amos.]

Aha. I'm only doing what I can, there just happens to be quite the number of things to do here with a bit of looking around. There's plenty of help too, not just from the citadel staff but also the older kids who volunteered. Would you need anything else, by the way? Mayonnaise or some other sort of condiment, maybe?

[subsist]

[ amos speaks with the conviction that kaeya is lacking, like he's sure there isn't a chance that this isn't going to end badly for any of them. kaeya has always been the type to gravitate towards people like amos — straightforward and honest, almost to a fault, but that's why he always finds himself in their orbit, drawn in by the traits he doesn't have.

when he sets his glass back down on the table, his gaze lingers on for the time being. there are so many things that are still unknown to them, but it's just like amos said: the kenoma know what they're doing. what they're expected to do. ]

I can only hope that you're right, Amos. [ that it'll be favourable. that it'll all work out in the end. ] But it's hard to disagree when you say it like that.

[ if amos believes that things are going to end favourably for them, then who is he to not believe that? ]

As for the Pleroma... I've only spoken to a handful of them, but I also have my doubts they even have an end goal in mind. If they were to defeat us, then what comes after that?

[ maybe if he were a better person, then maybe he could find a way to latch onto the faint sliver of a chance that they could make things right, but he isn't a better person at all. he never was. ]

One even claims that it isn't up to us to decide the fate of this world and others, but what about the fate of the ones that were destroyed? They deserve a fresh start, just like you said.

[ he isn't saying any of this stuff for amos' sake, because he already knows where he stands, but it's one of the few ways he has to make sense of things, to convince himself that this is the option he needs to go with. ]

[semicharmed]

[ Matt can't help a small smile at Amos' reply. He can't tell if it's a truism or a small kernel of usable philosophy, but either way, he kinda likes it.

The smile, of course, disappears as Amos goes on. "A lot." Fuck. Matt's still not sure if his counts as even one time. He mulls over possible words, decides that once again none of them are adequate, and plunges ahead anyway. ]

I'm sorry that happened.

And I really hope we're not in a situation like that again, where-- [ A pause. ] --people have to wake up. But if you think it was the right thing, I'll do it again.

If it's necessary.

[ Matt doesn't look happy about it, and he isn't. He hates the thought of being cruel. But he does want Amos to know he can be relied on, that he might stammer and hesitate but he won't shy away from doing the difficult thing if he has to. ]

[lachtara]

[ Emet-Selch puts a hand to his chin in thought. ]

I have encountered creatures that are capable of similar feats.

[ He could use that knowledge and experience, but he can't rely on the finer details given that these could be completely different creatures.

And given that the cure ended up being feelings of misery... He had to wonder if the Kenoma itself could play a part in solving this. The Kenoma had made them feel unending despair when they first came in contact. Inflicting the creature with it to cure its own affliction... ]

However, its influence reaches farther than I have seen before. The affliction could be seen far outside Venera.

[baltimores]

[ He shrugs at the apology. Not like it was Matt's fault; not like there's anything that can be done about it. It just is what it is at this point.

At the idea of not being in a situation like that again, though... That's where Amos turns inwards. Yeah, he hopes for the same thing. But. ]

I want to kill the thing that did that to me. [ And to other people, but... that's beside the point for him, unfortunately. ] Which means it could get in my head again. The sooner I can be pulled out of it, the better.

[ He hasn't looked away from Matt once during all of this; he doesn't look away now. As much as he hates that this might be a necessity, fact of the matter is, Matt's as good a candidate as any to trust with this. He already knows part of the story; he's been through something similar; he wouldn't abuse it. It's really about as good as Amos could hope for, so. ]

I can tell you how to do that, guaranteed. If you want.

[ It's still his choice, after all. That's important to both of them, right? So no hard feelings if Matt doesn't want to hear anymore. He hopes that's obvious from his tone, his words, but who ever knows with him. ]

[baltimores]

[ He gives Kaeya a small huff, a small smile, at the idea of it being hard to disagree with him. Picks up his glass again, takes another contemplative sip. Well, when he puts it that way. Maybe Amos is someone who can be followed after all.

It's a nice feeling; one that can probably be caught onto, especially considering the contrast between it and current subject matter. ]

Regent said something similar to me once. About how we're taking it away from everyone, not picking and choosing. Not letting anyone make their own choice. But you're right. It's just levelling the playing field. That's a good thing.

[ And when you start life on one of the lowest possible levels, there's something that's appealing about that. Not about dragging everyone else down with you, and not about bringing everyone else up. The former's a dick move, the latter impossible. It's just the only way to actually give everyone a fair shot, and Amos is getting the sense they're of the same mind here.

The Pleroma... Amos sighs. ]

I dunno how much anyone told you about when we first got here, but it was all of us together. We were all supposed to become Kenoma. Some of them refused. They were given it, and they sat around miserable and suffering for something like a week because they refused to accept it. And then they got away, and that's kinda been it. I don't think they know what they're doing. You can live moment to moment, sure, but it's not gonna get you anywhere. They'll burn themselves out, [ a shrug, ] or we'll get to them first.

[baltimores]

[ He meets her banter with a tilt of his head, a good-natured narrowing of his eyes, as he retrieves a cutting board, puts one of the loaves of bread on it, and gets to work. Fine, alright, and any other pseudo-whiny retort that should not be coming from a man of his age.

He keeps at it as she speaks, cutting clean and even slices and nodding along in agreement, though he slows down when she gets to the part about getting things off his chest. Stops entirely to look up at her, giving her an unreadable look—

And then they're mercifully interrupted, and Amos goes back to finishing off the first loaf, not even paying that much attention to all of the other food they've been brought (well, not enthusiastically at least; he can admit they both look and smell good, and the noise his stomach gives undoubtedly gives him away).

He pulls out the second loaf as the kid goes on his way, but his motions are calm and once again even as Ciel switches topics. Without looking up, ] Mayo's good. We got hot sauce here too, right?

[ Because he's pretty sure he could use something like that right about now. Amos finishes cutting up the second loaf, looks at all of the slices he's got piled atop one another and sets the bread knife down, leaning against the table as he turns back to face Ciel. ]

Talking about things after hasn't exactly been my thing. Pretty sure I got it all out of my system. [ As confident as he sounds about that, though... who knows, really. Certainly not him, since most of the time he's unaware of what his emotions actually are. ] But if that's what you want to do, I owe you that much.

[ In other words: he's not stoked about the idea, but he'll go along with an honest effort if that's what she thinks is best. ]

[hundredpower]

Truthfully, I don't know what the world should look like, either. [He's talked about it with other Kenoma, and he's still at a loss. He'd rather have no part in that aspect of their task; better to entrust it to someone with a real vision for the future.]

But I don't think you should discard the idea of trying to make things better, even if you don't have an idea of the end result yet. You... [He pauses, looks at the other man. Ugh, why is he trying to give a pep talk to Amos of all people? Even when he's no longer here, the habits of a certain meddlesome old man keep rubbing off on him.] ...You seem like someone who works very hard, when you have a goal you set your mind to. It doesn't suit you to give up here.

[If that's what this is. It's really not his business, and he doesn't know what drove him this low to begin with, beyond a vague suspicion it was probably recent events in Venera, but he'll throw his advice out there nonetheless.]

[gravings]

[ She thinks her question must have really been abysmal after all when he looks at her like she's sprouted a second head, but her embarrassment quickly scatters when he suddenly stumbles. She slows, her hands half-raised to try to catch him if he falls, but luckily there's no need. Still, she keeps a slightly more vigilant eye on him as they continue on.

Worry presses lightly on her brow. She wonders why he's alone out here getting this drunk without a friend to watch out for him. Something must have happened... well, Venera happened to almost all of them recently. Maybe it dredged up difficult memories and he wanted to be alone. She can't imagine him lacking friends who would be willing to drink with him; he seems nice enough. He could also be shy like she is, she supposes... ]

Something like that. They seem to like smellier foods.

[ Though she can't really go around stinking like fish all day, even if that might multiply her cat attraction power. ]

Have you never had a pet before?

[zauneyete]

[ Silco nodded, in understanding. He was on his rare second drink of the night, after all. He'd been affected by that Thing as well. Perhaps not as violently as Amos -- or he hadn't ran like he did -- but he could understand it, at the very least. If he'd been so affected that he'd wanted to spread it like that, it's not surprising that he'd want to get out.

Silco had only had violent, physical changes. They happened fast -- leaving him bleeding and shivering, and he hated it. Oh, he did. At least they could give back the misery that it had given them. ]

Good.

[ He said it with some finality. He wouldn't let Amos in on the planning stage, but he at least knew that it was personal for him. If it was personal for him, then he would throw everything he had in it. People like Amos, who lived with their fists and fury, knew nothing else. Silco had known someone at one time, before --

Well. It didn't matter. They were dead, twice over, and they'd hung up such fury long ego. Although only after trying to choke the life out of Silco. ]

I'll be in touch about it, hm? Until then...drink to your hearts content, I suppose.

[ After all, Silco wasn't going to stop him from settling into his cups. He could care less about that. ]

1/2

[expiera]

--Oh yes, of course! I make sure we have spicy on hand at all times~! How spicy can you eat, Amos?

[She claps her hands together excitedly and positively beams at him at the mention of hot sauce. He's... not imagining this, is he. She's usually relatively mild (citation needed), yet here she is now suddenly perking up and sounding several times more energetic and alert than he's ever seen OR heard her before--over hot sauce?]

2/2

[expiera]

[--Ahem, that is.]

Judging by the talk we've had before, wouldn't you say it's more a lack of opportunity, the reason why it's "not your thing"? I think it's worth a try at least, so maybe we can get to that after everything else is taken care of first, here in the kitchen? I don't want to interrupt your meal while you eat, and those cookies won't bake themselves, now.

[Reigning herself in (somewhat), she's dropped her arms at her sides again and is back to being... reasonably cheery, let's go with that. Did he have other plans after getting food, today? Because if not, she may or may not be reserving some of his hours for (making the orphan kids happy) baking and counselling debriefing. Nothing too demanding, right?]

[semicharmed]

[ Matt's expression dims slightly when Amos says kill. Whatever Matt feels morally about destroying an incarnation of one of Horos' Legacies (something he'd need way more time to think through and gather his thoughts on), on a practical level he's not sure it's possible. But he's not about to challenge Amos on that point; not right now.

Instead, he nods, likewise not looking away from Amos. It seems like the least he can do for him in the face of what he's about to share. Matt's eyes are wide, their hazel a muddy gray-blue in this light, but they don't waver. ]

I want to know.

[ A pause, before he kind of trips into it: ] I'll tell you mine too, if you want. That feels ...

[ Symmetrical. Reciprocal. Fair. ]

If you think it'd be useful.

[lifespanned]

[ She's quiet for a bit, smudging a lingering tear that falls with the heel of her palm. Misa gets it— or thinks she does. What he went through must have been so damaging and traumatic that he couldn't break free from the contagion by conventional or normal means. There's pain that transcends physical sensation, and if suffering was meant to evict the contagion, then there were far worse things that he'd already endured than whatever brutal means she assumes Ciel and Matt must have attempted.

It makes her feel... well, hurt, for him. It doesn't sit right with her, that he seems so okay with the prospect of enduring such a reminder again. Misa frowns, just slightly, mostly to herself— a willful defensiveness rising up in her. All she wants is to defend him from having to hurt like that. ]

Don't say that... I don't want to think about it happening again so soon.

[ Because she would follow through with what he requested— if she had to. But she doesn't want to. She can still recall the hurt look in his eyes, the pain in his voice when she'd kept cutting deeper - it's just... not a sound or sight she wants to see again, if she can help it. There's a pleading note to her voice, her gaze dropping to the cobblestone below them. She knows she can't predict if anything similar will ever happen in the future— but the stubborn part of her wants to believe that somehow, someway, she'll prevent it, come what may. ]

If that's really the only way to help you, then I promise I will, but... I don't like it, Amos. [ She confesses with a small voice, folding her hands together, painted nails picking at the skin of her thin fingers. ] I don't want you to think about all this anymore. Especially not because of me.

[ That's her tried and true method, of course— the parties involved aside from him are dead, now. So what point is there in thinking about it, unless absolutely necessary? If at all possible, she wants to make things so that he can lock all this away permanently, the way she had with her own problems before Venera. It's a gentle, honest concern for him that provokes her subdued response, an empathy that runs deeper than what she feels for her other kin. ]

[galdorleod]

[ Amos' more diplomatic single sip of his second glass of champagne is not lost on Howl. The wizard is not one to get offended by how he downed the first one, but he still likes to see Amos appreciating the drink. And hey, if he really needed to get a first round in him before he could savor the second, who is Howl to tell him no?

He looks into his glass to watch the bubbles rise as he considers the question. ]

She is...

[ ... his voice trails off. It seems like Howl might be having some trouble finding the right words, but what he's really doing is sifting through the array of thoughts that leapt to mind. The moment seems to pass after a few slightly awkward seconds. ]

...She's powerful. In numerous meanings of the world. Incredibly beautiful, but you take one look at her and you know she doesn't tolerate trifling men. Or women, probably.

[ He takes a sip of his champagne. ] From what I can tell, the Regent mostly leaves her to her own devices. That ought to tell you quite a lot.

[baltimores]

[ So other things like that thing existed out there? Jesus. Amos leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes, teeth bared in frustration for a moment before Emet-Selch continues. His eyes slowly open, looking back down at him before staring ahead at the wall in front of him, at nothing. ]

Yeah, I remember that whole thing about it being concentrated mostly in Venera. Except once I got out of there I couldn't feel it anymore. Figured I was safe.

[ And everything seems fine now, so he's probably still safe. Except the idea that he might not be again, wherever he ends up, really just emphasizes the need to kill this thing, doesn't it. ]

[baltimores]

[ Amos' eyes click back up to Barnaby's, watching him. He's still and silent for longer than would be considered socially acceptable again, really considering his words — and not the fact that it's Barnaby, who he obviously has a complicated history with, saying them to him. He just takes that part for granted; in part because what's being said to him is more interesting than who it is saying it, in part because he's very much inebriated.

Eventually, ] 'm not giving up. [ He picks up his spoon again, shoves a healthy amount of stew in his mouth. ] Just... working through some stuff. I'll be fine. [ And he really does mean that. Disheveled mess that he is, as much as he certainly does not belong in public, there's a casual confidence to his words. ] I can do what we gotta do. Just. Need a little more time is all.

[ What we gotta do be bring about an end to reality as they know it. Same as any other job, really. Amos reaches down to collect more stew, hits an empty bowl. Looks back up, across at how much Barnaby has left. His eyes are still on his bowl when he speaks up again. ]

Not like it's up to us to decide what things'll look like. 's okay. Regent knows what they're doing.

[baltimores]

[ He's really gonna have to find Gray when his self-destructive pity party is over and apologize to her, isn't he — particularly when he realizes that she's an Aion, that they live in the same building, have the same boss. But as things stand, her concern goes unnoticed. This is just... something he's doing now. He's fine. ]

Nope. No pets. There were feral cats around sometimes... I might've tried leaving food out for them once or twice. Don't really remember.

[ Don't really remember what kind of food he would've left out, if he left any out at all... any of it, really. He hasn't thought about any of this until Gray had brought it up, any previous experience with cats being an easily forgettable blip in his life and not a whole lot more.

But at least the brothel is far enough behind them now to no longer be a worry. Amos can just... go back there whenever he's done with this. Or go somewhere else. Gray's given him a direction for the time being, which has brought a bit of his more sober mindset back to the forefront, albeit there's still a lot of brain fog for him to stumble through. ]

Your hands are gonna smell if you pick up smellier treats, right? [ Which sounds unpleasant to him, but hey, they're her hands. ] What kinda... what kinda smell is best for cats?

[baltimores]

[ They were on the same page then. They understood each other. That was good.

Amos watched him a moment longer before giving him a nod, already raising a hand to wave the bartender down again. He'd stopped counting whatever drink number it was that he was on a while ago — and now, he was worked up enough to know he wasn't about to sleep it off any time soon. ]

I'll be around.

[ Which was about as committal as Amos could be in that state. He didn't know where he was going to go after this, when he would go back to the Citadel, any of it. Just... he would be around. If Silco found him once before, he could probably just find him again when he needed to.

Amos turned back to face the bartender, letting his anger simmer back into the background. It wasn't going to go anywhere. Never really did. ]

[baltimores]

[ Well, that was unexpected from her... and really endearing, actually, so he raises a playful eyebrow in response. ]

As spicy as you got. Food options are pretty limited in space. Gotta get your flavour from somewhere.

[ ... Can he go toe-to-toe with her? Maybe?? Hell, either way, he wants to try now. It's more pleasant than thinking about that... other shit. Amos scrunches his face up a little, because he really can't argue with her, can he? ]

Dunno if having the opportunity now would make a difference. [ But yes, he is conceding in the way he relents, his body language slumping in turn: he definitely never had the opportunity before. ] You wanna do a debrief, though, I'm good with that. Whenever, really. Except—

[ Ah, there's his stomach again. He looks back up at her, wondering just what else it is she's going to be completely correct about. ]

How much am I gonna be loading these up? [ He tilts his head to the bread slices, to the baskets of other food soon to go in between them. He really is hungry, after all — and completely at her mercy today.

And it probably will be better talking about all that other shit on a full stomach, huh. ]

cw discussion of prostitution, child prostitution

[baltimores]

[ He doesn't pick up on Matt's lack of enthusiasm for the notion. Killing isn't a big deal to Amos; it's just something he does when the need arises, and there's a clear need here: that thing was a threat to him, it needs to be killed. Simple as that. He has no clue what the how of killing it is, but that can come later. This is more important right now.

This is... it is a contingency plan, but it's also more than that. This isn't really something Amos does. His past stays in his past. It's come up a few times, but almost never in a situation like this, no immediate need, no direct link. Just a quiet moment where they have all the time in the world, which is counter to their experience in that cavern all those months ago, funnily enough.

His smile is wry. ]

Why the hell not, right? [ There's humour in his tone, a self-deprecating smile on his face, but he doesn't really mean any of it. Just. It's there, this all sucks, but... ] Might as well get the full story after whatever the hell those first couple of days were. Really can't get any worse, can it.

[ He slips into silence, his expression going neutral, blank, along with it. Amos breaks Matt's gaze then, but only for a second. Looks off into a dark corner of his living space, and then back at him. ]

So, place I was born really wasn't that great. Mostly run by gangs. Cops and security forces and who-the-fuck-ever would occasionally come in, but really, it was status quo with a different coat of paint. Gangs had their territory for the most part, their trades. One of 'em was prostitution. [ A deeper inhale, a deadened expression on exhale, though his casual tone of voice doesn't change. ] Overpopulation was a problem, so government tried to keep a lid on that sort of thing, but... you know. Human nature. So if a prostitute gets knocked up, and then you got a subset of guys who get off on that sort of thing, then you let them carry the kid to term and...

[ He gestures at himself. You get me. ]

Only now gang's got a kid to deal with. So. They put them to work, too.

[ A beat of silence. He doesn't look away, gauging Matt's reaction, fully detached, before deciding to add a little more context. ]

I was five. Don't remember how old I was when it stopped. Just that it eventually did.

[expiera]

Aha, that's a good point. I can't imagine, and I don't think I want to either! [She admits sheepishly with a small laugh, though it's half playing along too at this point.] The selection I've found in Achamoth isn't as spicy as I would like, but we make do with what we have. Okay, give me a moment!

[Gotta wait for Godsblood for The Good Stuff apparently, and she eats spicy. They have something akin to sriracha sauce here at least, so that's what she'll be stepping away to fetch from another cupboard amidst way too many. She seems to know exactly where the hot sauce is, though that may not be surprising, given her earlier reaction...

That is, she's back within the minute, cheerily handing him a glass bottle filled with a red sauce.]

? Until you're full, when else? [Like the sky is blue and water is wet? What a silly question.] If you think you'll like more food, we could have one of the kitchen staff whip you up something else nice and quick, like a salad maybe? You're a large and active man, of course you should eat your fill. You need the energy!

[Not that today's itinerary is particularly charged, what with "making cookies" and "decompress Venera" coming up next, but it's the spirit of it! (Besides, who knows how lousy his diet had been before coming back to the citadel...)]

[semicharmed]

[ Matt was expecting something awful. But "awful" can mean such a vast and horrible panoply. Situations like these existed on his own world, and frankly Matt didn't think about them a lot. He was always content enough to hone his magical skills improving his own green corner of the world: Growing better gardens. Painting protective wards on buildings. Purifying drinking water. Compared to the story of Amos' childhood, it all feels so hollow.

Matt's face is pale, his expression sober. But he doesn't want to communicate something that's gonna make Amos feel like--Matt's not even sure. Like he's broken? Which saying "oh no I'm so sorry that's so horrible" can weirdly sound like--like you can't believe the person in front of you is even a person anymore after something so shattering. It can even sound like you think they're contagious. Untouchable. Matt doesn't believe any of that, but he's not sure how to say what he does believe. ]

Okay, [ he says at last, giving a soft nod. He hasn't looked away either, searching Amos' face for an expression he can make sense of. He doesn't find one, but he doesn't blame Amos for that. How are you supposed to look when you're telling someone this kind of story? Matt's jaw stiffens slightly as he adds, ] You're right, though. We're not gonna let that happen to anybody else.

[ A pause. Matt measures his words (inadequate, as usual) against his feelings towards Amos (affection, wretched sympathy, protectiveness, a deep-buried ember of righteous anger), and ends up with: ]

Do you want a hug?

It's okay if not, it's just-- [ He huffs a breath, a little frustrated with himself. ] It's the only way I know to show people I care.

[subsist]

[ this is the first time kaeya is hearing about the full story of what happened with the first wave of aions. he'd been just about to take a sip of his drink, but now he is looking over at amos, paying full attention. he hadn't been aware of the fact that the pleroma are the way they are because they refused to become kenoma, but this is good to know regardless. what does this say about him then?

he'd been just as miserable from the start, only letting up because it felt more agonizing to keep fighting it. it's only nowadays that he's starting to understand what the kenoma stands for, and yet a part of him is almost... disappointed in himself? not that he knows why, because it shouldn't really be surprising, but he tries not to think about it anymore. ]

If I'm being honest with you, Amos, I wasn't all that eager to accept the Kenoma either, and yet here I am. [ he rolls his shoulder, a half-shrug. ] Maybe some of the Pleroma can be reasoned with eventually, but I suppose you're right. One of us will get to them before they ever have a change of heart.

[ the gravity of what they're talking about isn't lost on him, but he tries to go back to what amos was saying earlier. he didn't expect the other man to have the same opinion, to want to be rid of all the disparity that is currently in place. ]

... Do you really think it's a good thing? To level the playing field. To be on equal footing as with everyone else.