[open] you know what your problem is?

[baltimores]

WHO: Amos, any Kenoma
WHAT: Amos rewards himself for being cured of Innocence by going on a depression bender.
WHERE: Throughout Achamoth
WHEN: Towards the end of/after the event
WARNINGS: Depression, self-loathing, a little suicidal ideation, lots of drinking, references to brothels, discussion of domestic violence/sexual assault/prostitution/child prostitution; will update as necessary



[ So, this sucks.

Getting out of Venera as soon as possible had been the only thing on Amos' mind once Misa had forced him out of Innocence's grip. That thing had exploited his vulnerabilities, manipulated him, turned him into a puppet to spread its nonsensical, fucked up somewhat understandable agenda, and he needed to leave immediately, before he fell victim to it again.

His legacy's shrine is one of the closest to Achamoth. Easy.

He had to swim across a lake and spend days walking across farmland in waterlogged boots before he actually made it back to the city. Less easy.

Though for all of the personal discomfort and frustration that brought with it, it was readily ignored by spending that time mentally reviewing everything he did while he was fucked in the head, now that he could with proper context. All of the harm he'd caused, all of the ways he'd refused to listen to reason, being reminded of the fact that all he's really good for is ruining other people's lives. Turns out that sucks.

Then there's the fact that ever since an initial mishap during one of his first days in Achamoth, he's been careful to not go out into the city with his shard exposed — but since anything he'd used to cover it up had ended up getting destroyed in Venera, he has no choice but to subject himself to. This. When he's the last person who should be revered or admired in any way, and now he has no way to avoid it.

The first stop on Amos' list is somewhere that can get him clothed again, courtesy of I don't have any money but I am an Aion can I please just have a shirt now. All subsequent stops are, well... ]


i. so just drinking and fucking

[ Going back to the Citadel isn't even remotely on his mind, certainly not when he's got plenty of self-pity to wallow in.

Amos sticks to the seedier parts of Achamoth, weaving his way through various bars and brothels as the mood strikes him. He still doesn't have any money on him, so it's a whole lot of showing off his shard to get either free booze, comped sex, or serve as a credible IOU (and one that, to the meagre credit he has left, he'll actually fulfil once he's had the chance to get his head back on straight and reacquire finances from the Citadel). It isn't hedonism he's fully sinking into so much as I'm a bad person, I feel like shit, I'm going to do things that physically make me feel less like shit. There are worse coping mechanisms, he figures; if there actually aren't, he doesn't care.

He ignores all communion messages he feels coming through; the best anyone can hope for if they try to reach out to him directly is a tacit acknowledgment that he's still alive, combined with maybe a somewhat hazy impression of his immediate surroundings, if that latter part ends up slipping through.

That, or maybe you just so happen to run into him in some shithole dive bar or upon leaving a brothel.

Either way, there really isn't a whole lot he can do if you end up in physically the same space as him, is there. ]


ii. till they run out of one or the other

[ At some point, he actually does have to go back to the Citadel.

He's clearly worse for the wear when he finally shows back up there, rough around the edges when he finally delivers his report to Xishen — several days late, but who's counting — and then has free reign of... well, not the entire place, but the usual.

Fuck, does he need a shower. And a nap. And maybe another drink, because why the hell not. Even though he may not necessarily look it, Amos is certainly feeling better; otherwise, he wouldn't have ended up back here.

Maybe he's dishevelled, maybe he's finally had the chance to clean up; maybe he's briefly roaming the hallways, maybe he's taking advantage of having his own spacious room again. Either way, he's certainly more receptive to company, having gotten most of... that... out of his system in the city.

Though Amos isn't forgetting how easily led astray he was, all in the name of hurting people, anytime soon. That part still bothers him, but when hasn't that been a regular part of his psyche, anyway. ]


iii. wildcard

[ I'm at arii#6412 or cadiai if we need to talk specifics. ]

Comments

[semicharmed]

[ True to form, Matt appreciates the touch first and foremost. The way Amos mirrors him, leans close, combined with the gentle contact of their heads, all comes together to form a line of communication that feels every bit as legible to him as spoken words. Matt appreciates those too, in a slightly different way. They're direct, for one thing. What's not to like about that? And Amos' voice is soft enough that Matt can tell he isn't criticizing him or anything, even right at the start.

Though it does leave him suspecting that he should clarify. ]

Well ... he's a vampire. He was. [ Matt realizes that Vincent, like everyone he's ever known or loved before Horos, is dead. He's probably realized this before, but he can't remember it feeling quite so lonely. ] The night we met, we were hooking up, and he said something like--I smelled so good, he wanted to drink all my blood.

I don't know if that's intent exactly. I don't know. But it did ... I felt a certain way about it. And then our actual relationship was pretty awful, so.

[ There. Surely that's enough context.

Possibly too much context, come to think, especially for a story that is in no way on the level of Amos'. Intellectually, Matt believes everyone's pain matters, but emotionally it doesn't work quite so neatly. ]

[baltimores]

[ As Matt goes on, Amos' attempt at a hug grows stronger, from something tentative to more sure of himself. It's what Matt needs, it's how he expresses it, and he's always seemed to like being close, so Amos pulls him in that little bit further, arm no longer a passive participant in this. Moves his hand from being merely against Matt's back to his other side. He still doesn't bring up his other arm, but it's more of a proper embrace now. ]

Don't know what being a vampire has to do with anything. [ There are folk tales where he's from, sure, but... vampires weren't ever anything more than that to him. ] If you didn't want him to drink your blood and he tried to anyway, then fuck him. Conversation ends the second you decide you don't want it. Guessing from the sounds of it he kept pursuing it, so I'm glad he's dead.

[ His voice is still low, gentle, but it grows firmer as Amos continues, like: there's no room for argument here. There's no grey area, no wiggle room, no qualifiers. Dude deserved to die. A lot earlier than it sounds like he did, actually.

But he also wants to voice his commitment, like Matt did for him. So, ] We'll make a world without people like him in it ever again.

[ It's just as important. ]

[semicharmed]

[ Amos' gentle certainty feels like an anchor in rough seas. A weighted blanket to Matt's mind. He'd been on the verge of spilling out the rest of his self-blaming catechism, the things he's let take hold without fully agreeing to them: It's stupid that I dated him after that, isn't it is usually next on the list, or he could at least explain the whole ... vampires drinking blood thing. But the uncompromising tone in Amos' voice makes him pause. Whoever he'd be trying to convince with any of that, it wouldn't be Amos; Amos is immovable on this point. That's what his tone seems to say.

So instead, Matt sinks into their embrace, whatever words he might have said escaping on a sigh. He doesn't feel deflated, or cut off--he actually feels lighter than he thought he would at this point in telling someone all this. Like he's been freed from an ugly obligation. His head turns slightly, cheek resting on Amos' shoulder.

Strangely, he finds himself smiling. ]

Yeah, [ he murmurs. ] We will.

[ He doesn't know how he feels about Vincent being dead. But a world where future Vincents don't exist, who don't do the things that were done to Matt? That he can't see as anything but unalloyed good. His arms tighten around Amos in another brief squeeze. ]

Thanks.

[baltimores]

[ All Amos can really do as Matt leans further in is remain a steady presence, so... he does that. Lets Matt get things out of his system however he needs to. It's kind of a loss cause on Amos' end, so the very least he can do is give someone else everything they need.

Shitty as it all is, there's something nice about finally laying everything out in the open. The further Amos has adjusted to the Kenoma, the more he doesn't see the problem in how their first few weeks on Horos went. It was necessary; it led to something good. The only problem was how unreliable the process was at times, leaving them with glimpses without context. Because if this is proving anything, it's better to just get it all out in the open. Whatever he and Matt had before, they've finally made it better. Clearer. Whole.

He reciprocates that last squeeze to Matt. Holds it a moment longer, unsure of what to do now. Worst of it's now out of the way, right? So. ]

Sure thing. [ There's that solidity in his voice, like he's pretty sure is what Matt needs from him, and he's able to provide. ] Any time.

[ ... He'll let Matt decide when to pull apart. This is his thing. But Amos also isn't in any rush, and there's no sense of judgment or impatience on his end. He's content to let this carry out as long as it needs to. It's the role he actually can play, so he'll play it to a tee. ]