[ Abel poses a question she never considered and it shows clearly how her face opens up when he speaks it aloud. Does she think it's necessary? Well...no, she supposes not. It just seems fitting that she compare herself to someone who left not long before she did, right? Someone who, at the time, had still handled it all much better than she had.
But...no. If Yugiri had just wanted to leave to see the world Himeka never would have held that against her.
She's working this out still, but her thoughts fall away as Abel continues. Words of comfort and reason--kind words, though she does have to wonder if they're deserved. Has she made many homes? Mayhaps she has. She's met so many people, been so many places, and made so many friends that she knows she will be welcomed on many journeys should she choose to take them. It's when he says trapped that it clicks into place, her brows raising. Yes--that's it. That's exactly what she was afraid of. Being trapped and too entrenched with something she had no way to leave. ]
I...
[ Himeka pauses.
Does she regret leaving, in the end? Would she trade all the adventure, hardships included, to live "peacefully" beneath the waves?
Eventually she shakes her head. ]
...I don't regret leaving. [ She says finally, refocusing her gaze on Abel. ] But I do regret how I did it.
[ As private as she can be, Himeka won't force him to prod for details, not when he's being so willing to listen and...well, thus far hasn't passed adverse judgement on her. Quite the opposite--he's given her nothing but reason and understanding and she's once again painfully aware how impossible it is not to like this man who has shown nothing but this since the day they met. To everyone he's met.
She can trust him with this, right?
Himeka's tail curls around her side as she begins to speak, not something she does often. ]
You see...I was on my way to a very special position at the Palace. Though my family were farmers I was put on an expedited course to become a priestess for Shisui--
[ A pause--that's some of the judgment she fears. Mayhaps not because Abel is a judgmental man but because he has clearly lived his life in a devotion that she abandoned. ]
--not because I was particularly devout or good at reciting scripture or leading prayer or rituals--I was mediocre at best but terrible most of the time--but because I could "hear the words of the kami". And it was going to be my duty to be the Oracle of the Violet Tides to help protect the village from disaster, from famine, to good harvest...
[ Her brows push together. ]
But it became increasingly clear to me as I go closer and closer to the day of my anointment that it meant that I would be living out the rest of my life in the Palace. It's--separate from the town. There are very few priests that work in the village itself, most just...stay at the Palace. And are trusted to be doing all the right things for the benefit of the Princess and Sui-no-Sato.
[ Which if it's for the good of everyone it should be a no-brainer. ]
...I should have said something. But I didn't. I kept agreeing to everything I was told to do and was suggested to me. Until one day I just didn't and left without a word to anyone. Not my teachers, not my would-be colleagues, not even my family.
[ Doesn't he see now? It isn't even that she was missing a noble cause. ]
I didn't--I didn't have a plan or a wanderlust or...or anything. It was just...afraid.
[ She swallows. ]
And sickness did come again. It was unfortunately common--still is, being a small community with little in regards of medicine to deal with some of the things that happen. Realistically I could have never done anything to predict or stop it but...I left and people suffered. [ People died. ] And I wasn't there for them.
abel is too good
But...no. If Yugiri had just wanted to leave to see the world Himeka never would have held that against her.
She's working this out still, but her thoughts fall away as Abel continues. Words of comfort and reason--kind words, though she does have to wonder if they're deserved. Has she made many homes? Mayhaps she has. She's met so many people, been so many places, and made so many friends that she knows she will be welcomed on many journeys should she choose to take them. It's when he says trapped that it clicks into place, her brows raising. Yes--that's it. That's exactly what she was afraid of. Being trapped and too entrenched with something she had no way to leave. ]
I...
[ Himeka pauses.
Does she regret leaving, in the end? Would she trade all the adventure, hardships included, to live "peacefully" beneath the waves?
Eventually she shakes her head. ]
...I don't regret leaving. [ She says finally, refocusing her gaze on Abel. ] But I do regret how I did it.
[ As private as she can be, Himeka won't force him to prod for details, not when he's being so willing to listen and...well, thus far hasn't passed adverse judgement on her. Quite the opposite--he's given her nothing but reason and understanding and she's once again painfully aware how impossible it is not to like this man who has shown nothing but this since the day they met. To everyone he's met.
She can trust him with this, right?
Himeka's tail curls around her side as she begins to speak, not something she does often. ]
You see...I was on my way to a very special position at the Palace. Though my family were farmers I was put on an expedited course to become a priestess for Shisui--
[ A pause--that's some of the judgment she fears. Mayhaps not because Abel is a judgmental man but because he has clearly lived his life in a devotion that she abandoned. ]
--not because I was particularly devout or good at reciting scripture or leading prayer or rituals--I was mediocre at best but terrible most of the time--but because I could "hear the words of the kami". And it was going to be my duty to be the Oracle of the Violet Tides to help protect the village from disaster, from famine, to good harvest...
[ Her brows push together. ]
But it became increasingly clear to me as I go closer and closer to the day of my anointment that it meant that I would be living out the rest of my life in the Palace. It's--separate from the town. There are very few priests that work in the village itself, most just...stay at the Palace. And are trusted to be doing all the right things for the benefit of the Princess and Sui-no-Sato.
[ Which if it's for the good of everyone it should be a no-brainer. ]
...I should have said something. But I didn't. I kept agreeing to everything I was told to do and was suggested to me. Until one day I just didn't and left without a word to anyone. Not my teachers, not my would-be colleagues, not even my family.
[ Doesn't he see now? It isn't even that she was missing a noble cause. ]
I didn't--I didn't have a plan or a wanderlust or...or anything. It was just...afraid.
[ She swallows. ]
And sickness did come again. It was unfortunately common--still is, being a small community with little in regards of medicine to deal with some of the things that happen. Realistically I could have never done anything to predict or stop it but...I left and people suffered. [ People died. ] And I wasn't there for them.