aionlogs | [CLOSED] lizard times

[ Abel does not have any experience with this sort of pain, the uncomfortable sit of a guilt and uncertainty that's writ everywhere in her eyes and the slope of her shoulders. that she expects her choices to be frowned upon, her decision discredited... it says a great deal, especially after it's been years since that day she left her homeland behind her.

has she been carrying this all that time...?

Abel's hand falls away from her shoulder, but it isn't for the absence of his desire to offer comfort. he can tell that this might be something that spans beyond simple gestures, that it might need talking out. has she spoken about this with anyone? he wonders. ]

Do you think it necessary? To have some... grandiose, noble plan before leaving your home?

[ it speaks to her sense of duty and obligation as much as her respect for the place she had been raised in, the people who called it home alongside her; Abel quite wishes he could see it. ]

...Not every journey starts because one answered some higher calling. In fact, that might be precisely where the best sort of journeys start - in search of ourselves, in search of what's meant to drive us. To find our place in the world... to make it better than when we started. From what you - and your friends - have told me... I think you've done that in spades, haven't you?

[ it is a given, Abel thinks. ]

You may think of it as having left 'home' behind as if it were a selfish wish, but... I think-- what you really wanted to do was make many homes, many places. Your heart never belonged trapped under the ocean; it's too big for that. Part of you surely knew that and drew you where you needed to go. And in that way, maybe... you helped open up your home to become so much bigger than it had been when you left, brought pieces of it back with you to share with those who weren't ready to venture beyond it just yet.

I don't think you have anything to regret or feel sorry for. But... do you? Really?

[ Abel poses a question she never considered and it shows clearly how her face opens up when he speaks it aloud. Does she think it's necessary? Well...no, she supposes not. It just seems fitting that she compare herself to someone who left not long before she did, right? Someone who, at the time, had still handled it all much better than she had.

But...no. If Yugiri had just wanted to leave to see the world Himeka never would have held that against her.

She's working this out still, but her thoughts fall away as Abel continues. Words of comfort and reason--kind words, though she does have to wonder if they're deserved. Has she made many homes? Mayhaps she has. She's met so many people, been so many places, and made so many friends that she knows she will be welcomed on many journeys should she choose to take them. It's when he says trapped that it clicks into place, her brows raising. Yes--that's it. That's exactly what she was afraid of. Being trapped and too entrenched with something she had no way to leave. ]

I...

[ Himeka pauses.

Does she regret leaving, in the end? Would she trade all the adventure, hardships included, to live "peacefully" beneath the waves?

Eventually she shakes her head. ]

...I don't regret leaving. [ She says finally, refocusing her gaze on Abel. ] But I do regret how I did it.

[ As private as she can be, Himeka won't force him to prod for details, not when he's being so willing to listen and...well, thus far hasn't passed adverse judgement on her. Quite the opposite--he's given her nothing but reason and understanding and she's once again painfully aware how impossible it is not to like this man who has shown nothing but this since the day they met. To everyone he's met.

She can trust him with this, right?

Himeka's tail curls around her side as she begins to speak, not something she does often. ]

You see...I was on my way to a very special position at the Palace. Though my family were farmers I was put on an expedited course to become a priestess for Shisui--

[ A pause--that's some of the judgment she fears. Mayhaps not because Abel is a judgmental man but because he has clearly lived his life in a devotion that she abandoned. ]

--not because I was particularly devout or good at reciting scripture or leading prayer or rituals--I was mediocre at best but terrible most of the time--but because I could "hear the words of the kami". And it was going to be my duty to be the Oracle of the Violet Tides to help protect the village from disaster, from famine, to good harvest...

[ Her brows push together. ]

But it became increasingly clear to me as I go closer and closer to the day of my anointment that it meant that I would be living out the rest of my life in the Palace. It's--separate from the town. There are very few priests that work in the village itself, most just...stay at the Palace. And are trusted to be doing all the right things for the benefit of the Princess and Sui-no-Sato.

[ Which if it's for the good of everyone it should be a no-brainer. ]

...I should have said something. But I didn't. I kept agreeing to everything I was told to do and was suggested to me. Until one day I just didn't and left without a word to anyone. Not my teachers, not my would-be colleagues, not even my family.

[ Doesn't he see now? It isn't even that she was missing a noble cause. ]

I didn't--I didn't have a plan or a wanderlust or...or anything. It was just...afraid.

[ She swallows. ]

And sickness did come again. It was unfortunately common--still is, being a small community with little in regards of medicine to deal with some of the things that happen. Realistically I could have never done anything to predict or stop it but...I left and people suffered. [ People died. ] And I wasn't there for them.

[ ah...

...Himeka works her way through to the crux of it - the true depths of that look that's been casting a shadow behind her eyes since she first broached the subject of her home life. the piece he had been missing slots into the puzzle; while it isn't whole, it is one step closer to being.

his expression slowly softens as he watches hers fall. she is taking this hard - has been taking this hard because the matter is so dear to her. her people... her duty... her honor as a woman and member of the community... her love for all of them is so very apparent to him as she speaks of this painful decision. it is one she regrets... perhaps not for the choice itself, but the manner in which it was made.

he takes a moment. it might be a bit disconcerting as she's surely waiting for his judgment one way or another, but Abel's gaze settles upon his hands clasped in his lap for several deep breaths. delicate and sensitive as this is, he doesn't plan to rush into his answer: no; it will be measured and purposeful.

so, his voice is even and gentle when he replies - but he doesn't offer her a placating reassurance this time. if he did, then... all he would be doing is disrespecting her decision to share something that was so personal, important to her with him. ]

You wish you could've done it differently. [ it is a verbal acknowledgment that he understands. ] And I can see why. The Himeka you are today would surely have made another choice, even not knowing what she knows now. Because she has that strength - the strength you lacked back then.

[ because a frightened young woman - still but a child in the grand scheme of things - burdened by the weight of a fate, a life of seclusion and separation... that person is much different than the one that sits beside him, isn't it? Himeka has come such a long way. ]

...I know you have the courage to protect them in a way only you can. In a way that is more meaningful than you know, I think. And I don't think you'd have the same conviction if you hadn't been that girl who ran away. Do you think that's right, Himeka?

[ he can see it - the growth, that she had learned from her mistakes. so-- ]

The first step in your journey was a clumsy one and you may have taken a tumble - but you haven't let it stop you from learning how to run since. Falling on your butt is a part of life, right? ...You've come so far. They surely don't blame you half as much as you blame yourself.

[ Her words hang in the air as she waits in silence for his thoughts. Abel is far too nice to tell her off outright but surely he can see the folly in her actions, can't he? That she hurt the people that should mean the most to her out of everything? For something so foolish, too.

Himeka hangs her head slightly when he agrees. It's--it's what she needs to hear, really. That confirmation of her fears but also her mistakes. She can't really make amends until she works through it all. Both to herself and to the people she affected. Abel may be an unbiased third party so mayhaps he's the best suited for this in the end...

Yet as he continues, she slowly lifts her head back up. Each word raises her a little higher as she watches him--really looks at him, a little surprised and incredulous in her own right.

Abel is acknowledging the analysis she's already done of her past actions while also putting them into perspective. Telling her that she has grown, even if he'd never known the person she was before. Because that's all she ever wants--to be a better person today than she was the day before and to try again a little harder tomorrow.

That means more to her than she can properly articulate. ]

...

[ Her gaze drifts away as a bit of a laugh caught in a huff escapes. ]

Several tumbles...right on my arse, I'd say.

[ She places her right hand over her heart, fingers curling slightly into the fabric of her dress. ]

...Incidentally my journey led me back to my hometown when we were trying to end the empire's occupation of Doma. I wasn't greeted as a welcome visitor and I don't blame them for it...but my mother did come to meet me before I left. She said she was glad I was okay.

[ Amongst a few other pieces of news she wouldn't have heard otherwise.

Looking back over to Abel. ]

I think you're right. Maybe...I can't allow them to forgive me because I can't forgive myself.

[ it's difficult to hear her say such things - being unable to forgive herself when Abel knows precisely how kind and deserving of that forgiveness she is, especially in the face of something like this. Himeka hadn't meant to hurt anyone; what she did was not the malicious act of a spiteful soul looking to lash out at others, shirk her responsibilities. even so... he can understand that guilt is not so easy a thing to assuage, and that it doesn't lessen the consequences - nor the sting of acknowledging her faults - in the face of her choices.

if she feels the weight of that guilt and responsibility, then dismissing it as undeserved would be doing her a disservice. ]

Then the only thing you can do is decide how to make amends for yourself.

[ if her family would forgive her and her village with time, then all that's left is for her to forgive herself. she hasn't been ostracized and her relationship with her loved ones isn't irreparably broken - as long as that's the fact, then there's hope she can one day return to her homeland with pride instead of shame in her eyes. ]

Whether it's bringing pieces of all the homes you've made in your travels into their little world or protecting them in that way only you can, then-- you'll find it. Until you do decide what it is, though... I think it's okay to take your time and figure it out. What will give you peace, and what will bring peace to them. Do you feel the same...?

[ That's the crux of it, isn't it? For someone who is so driven to be in charge of her own actions from that moment onward, a part of her kind of wished someone else would do that legwork for her. But no...no, that isn't right. Avoiding it certainly hasn't lessened the weight on her heart. Only working alongside Kurenai had made her feel finally, finally connected to that part of her past again.

If there were anyone to pass the final judgment on her it would be the Ruby Princess herself, wouldn't it? The one she would sworn to serve and protect.

To think that Kurenai would be such an kindred spirit, wanting to see the world above the waves. She does wonder what could have happened if she stuck around.

But it's too late for that. She's never been one to harbor much regret--not because she hasn't made more mistakes than this, but because she knows that the only thing she can do is try to move forward. Except for this. One of the few things she hasn't been able to move past, mayhaps because it set everything in motion. It's a mixture of "something had to happen" and "but not this".

Abel is right. Of course he is. His capacity for caring and understanding is exactly what she would have expected from him. She's...grateful. That he isn't saying that she did the right thing, but that she doesn't need to condemn herself forever. ]

I think...

[ She drops her hands to her lap. ]

I'd like to tell my mother "I'm sorry". I didn't, then. Mayhaps she knows already because she's that sort of person, but...I should have all the same. She deserves to hear it.

[ Himeka chances a somber smile. ]

And maybe someday I can meet my niece and nephew.

[ Himeka...

he gives her a tiny, encouraging nod of his head. ]

Finding the place to start... it can be the hardest, right? Especially when you've held onto something for so long. It can be overwhelming to try and tackle something that's become... mm. Probably a big, looming monster sitting on your shoulder.

[ he can see that the separation from her family as well as her people has taken a toll; Abel wants to see this rift fixed, this hole she's dug inside of herself that yearns to be filled by the love and acceptance of her kindred filled once more. ]

...So the first thing you'll do when you get home, once we've helped to give Horos the peace it deserves-- is go to your home. Tell them how you feel. Hug them real tightly, too-- I bet they've missed that as much as you have, you know? And... go and be the best and craziest Aunt your niece and nephew deserve.

[ The way Abel puts it just makes the prospect sound...not only possible, but exciting. They all have plenty of reasons to save their worlds and return to their homes, but to really go back to her roots would be...

Nice.

Yes. It would be nice.

The fact that she has never once thought to shirk the surname bestowed upon inhabitants of her village despite her self-ostracization should probably speak for itself, shouldn't it? A part of her heart will always belong in the sea. She is a traveler--a wanderer at heart--but it's nice to feel that she has an orbit sometimes, that there's a place or people she'll return to. That has never been Sui-no-Sato since she left, but maybe it can be. Someday.

He speaks of their eventual victory and instills her with confidence in her ability. What can she do but smile? Her expression and posture lift considerably as she nods. ]

I will. I promise.

[ Mayhaps making it a promise to someone other than just her will help make it reality?

Not that she'll have a way to tell him of her success, really--

--no, no. She's certain that the connections they've made in Horos will not be lost to time when it all comes to an end.

Himeka exhales, feeling like some of the tension she's held tangled up inside of her for so long is finally lifting, just a little. ]

I suppose I did have a confession after all.

[ Himeka gives an apologetic shrug. ]

Thank you for listening. It's...not something I really talk about.

[ this might not be something that she can act on for some time, but... he can see that some bit of the tension she's been carrying alleviate, slowly but surely. there is no easy solution for problems like this one, but Abel has faith she truly means her vow: that she will return home once they are seen back to their worlds, that she'll make it right with her family. she will allow herself that mercy.

Abel's smile is genuinely content in response, shaking his head lightly-- ]

Please...! With as much as I like to talk, the least I can do is listen every now and then, don't you think so?

[ he can see she needs a break from sober subjects and he's more than happy to play along on a lighter tilt. ...naturally. ]

Ah, but if this is a confession... I wonder if there is a deep, dark secret you haven't yet touched upon, Himeka. Mm, something dastardly lurking beneath the surface of your pleasant veneer... something about, say... a recent whale massacre?! Honestly, for shame.

[ But she knew he was a good listener long before this. With the care he takes in how he describes the people he wants to reach out to, no one with that desire to understand would be a terrible listener.

The insinuation of something darker lurking within her, though...

He's not wrong, really. But she'd rather not go into her almost Light Wardenification or Zenos stealing her body right now. One bit of trauma is enough for one evening, she thinks.

Thankfully he's clearly just gearing up to be silly which she appreciates, honestly. A good shift in the mood and much needed after such a serious and unintended conversation. They do seem to be in sync fairly often, don't they? ]

Ah...I fear you're my partner in that, Abel.

[ She holds her index finger up to her lips. ]

But I won't tell if you won't?

[ Wink! ]

Partner... --ah! Ah!! W... wait, was that your plan all along?! To make me an unwitting accomplice so I wouldn't be able to tell a soul about what I'd witnessed here?! You cunning minx!!

[ yes, the name of the game is to definitely turn things back to a more idiotic flavoring; it's kind of therapeutic, right?? right!! ]

Y-you've won my involuntary silence lest I incriminate myself... oh, He Who Art In Heaven-- please forgive me these trespasses, please forgive me my sinner's soul, but I can't help it-- Blueberry was... he was delicious, and I dare s-say [ a choked sob, here, for dramatics ] I might even do it again were I given the chance... Have I become a monster?!

[ Himeka chuckles, letting her hand fall to her chest as she does. Some good-natured ridiculousness does to the heart wonders. ]

Witnessed? Nay, you were an active participant. Don't forget you dealt the finishing blow.

[ Was it not by Abel's very own hands that Blueberry was snapped in twain? Why, Himeka is the witness, here! ]

I'm afraid there's no going back now, Abel. Our fates are entwined hereafter down this path of debauchery. I would say I'm sorry that I've dragged you down to my level, but I'm not. So...

[ She pokes his upper arm. ]

We should sin a little more. I did bring more than Blueberry, after all.

[ no...... no, say it isn't so, he isn't so cruel as to have snapped Blueberry in twain; that doesn't sound like him at all, does it?? AAH!

though his expression grows more and more morose and grim as Himeka's condemnation goes on, Abel manages to BRAVELY(??) hold himself together against her onslaught. even so, it seems he's grimly resigned himself to acceptance...

...or camaraderie in this sinful endeavor, because he looks utterly serious as he drops his voice, speaking in a hushed whisper. ]

It is better to ask forgiveness than permission. Lord-- avert thine eyes. I promise we will pay due penance later, but for now... Himeka? We should do what must be done.

[ and apparently, that means... devouring the rest of her delectable treats?? yeah that, ]

[ Himeka claps her hands together once again in a motion that looks as if she will pray. She claps once, then twice before nodding with her eyes closed. ]

It is indeed our solemn duty to devour every last crumb. Nothing should go to waste.

[ But there is no amount of guilt at all on her face. She drops her hands as her tail starts to swish again in hopeful anticipation of his approval of her next snacks.

Which are, of course, the small balls made of dried and candied nuts, fruit, a bit of pounded rice for stability, and something syrupy sweet to stick them all together. Coated, of course, with shavings of coconut. ]

[ he's really trying to keep a straight face. he really, really is.

but he cannot help but perk up like a dog as she rises to fetch the remainder of the Treats she's brought, and if he had a tail - it would surely be joining hers in an eager, enthusiastic wagging that would betray his Eagerness to indulge in deliciousness once more. ]

Oh. ...Oh; this... th-this look so fancy?

[ and delicious?? FANCILY DELICIOUS?? ]

What all is in this...?

[ Fancy? That does give her a little pause as she looks down at the round little nuggets. ]

You think so?

[ They seem a little rustic to her, but she will gladly take the compliment. She picks up one of the pieces and holds it out to Abel. ]

Why don't you give it a taste and guess the ingredients?

[ well, he needs no further invitation - reaching out to accept one of them and giving it a once over. it smells... heavenly, and he is all too eager to pop it right into his mouth and chew.

and...

...slowly melt into an expression of utter delight. ]

It...

[ ...still chewing, his mouth full, mannerless, graceless: ]

I-it tastes like heaven.

[ She's waiting eagerly for his appraisal, bolstered by his positive review of Blueberry. Things, she feels, was decidedly more simple than trying to get the right rise on the dough in Greentruth.

And yet he seems to really like it. Hmm...is Abel just easy to please?

Still, she'll take it. Himeka chuckles and plops back down onto the mattress before popping a piece into her own mouth. ]

Well, I can assure you I did not use heaven, granulated or otherwise.

Do you have such a thing as 'ambrosia' where you're from, Himeka~? I wonder if perhaps you've found some here in Horos, because this is simply... s-so...

[ honestly, he looks like he could cry??

okay, maybe he's playing it up a bit, but-- he genuinely is touched that she'd gone through all the effort to spoil him in his way and he wants to make sure she knows it. and, perhaps,

...there is part of him that wants to heap on the praise so that she'll want to continue feeding him,

maybe. just... maybe. mmhm. ]

[ Okay Abel, she'll take some flattery but that is definitely laying it on thicker than the honey she coated these in. Himeka snorts, holding out the rest of the bunch so he can feed himself freely from the treats. ]

Now I know you're just saying that.

[ She feels like she should just leave the rest for him all together. ]

That or they're not feeding you well enough here.

[ His dastardly plan is very effective. ]

Oh! Well. I hate to be dramatic [ he does not ] or to make things sound deplorable or anything, but... perhaps it's been a bit hard, these days. You know, working for what one eats is quite the challenge in an entirely new world... and I'm not made for this kind of manual labor; finding a steady way to earn income has been a trial in and of itself...

[ a forlorn, lamentful sigh...

...as he takes another large bite from his serving of Delicious Treat, ]

Ah-- but I wouldn't want to bore you with my woes, Himeka, please~! Let us enjoy this together while it lasts. I'm sure it'll stave off the hunger pangs for quite some time!!

[ Hunger pangs! Well, this may indeed be all for show, but he is (fortunately or not) calling to where her heart truly situates itself--food. Both eating and preparation thereof. If anything it feels like he's putting a new challenge in front of her. ]

Hmmm...

[ She taps her chin.

Clearly she needs to prepare a few meals for the entire household, right? ]

Then I suppose it only sits right that next time I come with more than just dessert. And enough for everyone, mm~?

[ Four course meal for...five? Yes. She can do that. ]

[CLOSED] lizard times

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abel is too good

hime....... 🥺

how dare he? say all the right things?

sometimes he must counteract all the stupid with 1 poignant thing that's the rules

it's the one that matters

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