ᴄʟᴏsᴇᴅ ▸ it's a cycle i'm in.

[subsist]

WHO: Kaeya & others.
WHAT: Event aftermath.
WHERE: Achamoth & around the Citadel.
WHEN: Until the end of the first week of Firaseri.
WARNINGS: Sexually suggestive content. Thanks, Childe.

( ooc. just a closed log with the starters i owe for peeps! if you'd like a custom scenario with kaeya, feel free to send me a pm or ping me on discord so we can work something out. )

Comments

[subsist]

[ that cracks would begin to appear amongst their ranks is not all that surprising. after all, fighting for a cause that will ultimately lead to the death of this world isn't something that most people would be able to easily accept. kaeya himself has struggled with it for the longest time, and it's only recently that he is beginning to see the bigger picture.

it also helps that makoto says that the regent is the one responsible for bringing the other aion back alive. that changes his opinion of their excellency into something more favourable rather than one of ambivalence and uncertainty. ]

Truly?

[ it's the first he's ever heard of the regent doing something so magnanimous. maybe his perspective of them is only half complete, and this revelation allows him to fit another piece into the puzzle. not that it's enough to completely change his opinion, but it's a step in a better direction. ]

Then, I'm glad to hear that the Regent was looking out for you. Were they also able to do something about the entity's curse?

[ the curse that makoto is referring to must be the one he'd received a few months ago. he knows enough about its effects on others to realize that whatever would have happened without the regent's interference wouldn't have been pretty, but... he can only hope that it's no longer a threat to makoto either.

the last thing they all need right now is for one of their own to fall victim to the entity as estinien has. ]

[affal]

( it is the nature of humanity, isn't it? give a man the option between saving a hundred people from a horrific death trapped within a burning building or the single life of his daughter, and you would be hard pressed to find a man willing to sacrifice his own blood and his own heart for the sake of others, even if those others had lives just as full and warm and rich and deep as his own. it almost seems like a flaw, when looked at from greater and greater distances, inspected with a callous and inhuman sort of scrutiny. perhaps the Regent is merely righting that wrong, an inherent and perhaps unintended flaw lodged deep within the genetic and emotional programming of mortal creatures throughout hundreds of thousands of universes.

he doesn't really waste his time thinking of such things. the Kenoma finds a gracious host within the demon, having already lost his grasp on living so many times that he very nearly moves himself forward based on spite alone at this point. he will carry its entropic end out so long as his will might carry it, and then he will finally collapse into the void as he had wanted to do years ago — though, if fate is far kinder than it has any right to be, he will be given the opportunity to take J down with him as he does so.

makoto nods, expression brokering little to cut his sincerity. he takes a sip of coffee.

he nods. ) Their Excellency had actually offered me shortly after receiving the curse a chance to have it - expunged from my shard. But they warned me of potential unintended harm it might cause, and, well... ( he frowns. ) I am ashamed now to say that I was unable to make that decision at the time. Fortunately it seems as though I am not too much worse for wear, though.

( give or take minor subtle brainwashing. )

To tell you the truth, when first in their grasp, I was certain I was about to face some sort of punishment. ( his mouth presses into a thin line, and then he looks up to catch kaeya's eye. ) Despite my efforts, I had produced very little results. To my demon master, that would have made all of those endeavors essentially worthless, but... that doesn't appear to be the case with the Regent. They seem to both recognize and reward determination, regardless of whether or not it bears fruit.

( to makoto, none of this is a secret that he wishes to hoard to himself. they are his own thoughts, his own interpretations of what he's seen and experienced, but he uses them now as easily as one would wield any other verbal weapon: makoto has a personal compulsion to pull others into the sway of the Regent, and if kaeya has doubts about their investment into the Kenoma Aions, he wants to try to change that perception if possible. )

[subsist]

[ the folly of mankind has always been their tendency to love way too much. it becomes a bigger issue when they find themselves unable to accomplish certain goals because it jeopardizes someone they truly care about — and it won't matter if it's their own flesh and blood or someone sworn in all the same — but there's no better time to unlearn the bad habits, he supposes. sometimes all one needs is a wake-up call.

he mirrors makoto, sipping at his coffee quietly. ]

If there was a price to pay, I wouldn't have accepted such a generous offer either.

[ a get-out-of-jail card never comes free. sometimes the consequences of using such a thing are worse than what you have to deal with, even if one might think it'll be worth it. ]

I must admit, however, that this is the first time I've heard that they value effort and determination more than results. Perhaps the view that we have a ruthless leader is incorrect all along?

[ it's working, little by little. maybe it wouldn't hurt to be less... apprehensive towards the regent in the end. ]

[affal]

( it's a delicious coincidence, then, that the number one cause of downfall among demons is love. it's not necessarily an emotion they come by as naturally or as abundantly as mortals do. makoto has found that demons are not so different when it comes to their wants, needs, and desires — theirs are perhaps more extreme than that of humanity, enabled by their perpetuity, and they are far more honest about them. many demons live happily simply satisfying themselves with luxury and pleasure, but for others that grow stymied and stagnant in such a lifestyle... perhaps that is when the heart begins to yearn, among other points in time.

one of the reasons love cannot flourish well among demons is by the nature of hell itself. the hierarchy imposes it upon you whether you want it to or not. regardless of whether or not your affections are returned, one out of any two will always be relegated to a lower social position, unable to even speak the name of their loved one without risking a permanent death of the soul. for some that might not be an issue, but... what is love if not equality? partnership? a feeling of wholeness? even if one could be happy with such an arrangement for a time, wouldn't the forbidden nature of their name, such intimate familiarity, grow more and more overwhelming in its temptation? why, then, shouldn't they plot to overthrow the one they love? to prove to them how deep and how overwhelming that love was, to surround them with it to the point of overrunning and consuming them altogether —

as are all powerful emotions, love is a double-edged sword, and one that is all too easy to fall upon.

he is quietly grateful to hear kaeya agree with his previous refusal of the Regent's offer — it's something he had remembered with a degree of shame, having felt weak in the moment. but to fear the loss of oneself is natural, especially to someone like makoto, who has already lost so much and believes he has precious little more to lose. he has to wonder if kaeya feels the same way. he knows relatively little about the man and his past, though his interest grows as their paths continue to intersect.

makoto smiles, but it's the faintly strained sort. ) That might be taking it a bit too far. Can you think back to what happened in Venera, and the news that came back from Godsblood, and all that happens now and think that they are above ruthlessness?

Though I owe them practically everything for their intervention, and the removal of my curse was a gift... it was not one that I received or accepted easily, or without pain.

No... ( he pauses a moment, thoughtful, and then smiles. ) I believe it's more apt to view it that they see potential in all of us, and that they are willing to be generous to those that understand and accept the risk that such a thing might pose to ourselves. But even then.. to know that they are understanding to those of us who do all that we can, even if we do not succeed... it's still something of a relief, isn't it?

[subsist]

[ love is a double-edged sword, one that's far sharper than most, no matter which side of the blade you come face-to-face with. kaeya understands the risks at play when you decide to let someone else in, when you open yourself up to such an intimate connection that could expose the most vulnerable and ugliest parts of you. sometimes, it pays off; your love is well-received and everything you have to offer is given the acceptance and approval it deserves. other times, you aren't so lucky, and you're left wondering why you bothered to try.

kaeya finds himself on the latter side of that spectrum. there hasn't been a day that goes by without him wondering how things could have been if he never got attached to someone like diluc, but it's too little too late to think about such alternatives. mondstadt is gone, and so is diluc, and so here he is with another kenoma aion, feeling as though he is in the right place for the first time in months. when you love someone so much that you'd do anything, there's no way someone like him can fit in with the likes of the pleroma.

he continues to sip at his coffee, contemplative. when he sits his cup down, he offers makoto a smile. ]

—no, you're right. I can't deny that they have been far more generous and patient than they should have been. [ After all, Kaeya is someone who started with so much ambivalence in his heart. It's only recently that he's started to come around, that he's finally beginning to understand why he's thrown his lot with the Kenoma. ] I stand corrected.

... That said, I'd still hate to disappoint them.