ᴄʟᴏsᴇᴅ ▸ it's a cycle i'm in.

[subsist]

WHO: Kaeya & others.
WHAT: Event aftermath.
WHERE: Achamoth & around the Citadel.
WHEN: Until the end of the first week of Firaseri.
WARNINGS: Sexually suggestive content. Thanks, Childe.

( ooc. just a closed log with the starters i owe for peeps! if you'd like a custom scenario with kaeya, feel free to send me a pm or ping me on discord so we can work something out. )

Comments

[baltimores]

[ He hums, at the idea of Silco saying the same thing. Of course, they're both on the same wavelength when it comes to the Kenoma; that shouldn't be a surprise. That Kaeya also seems accepting of the idea is... good. It's good.

Amos idly swirls the wine in his glass around — that's a thing people do, right — eyes brightening at the idea of getting Estinien into Achamoth. ]

Guy's kind of a dick, isn't he? [ He'd encountered him once, on the road to the throne room where they were all first fed the Kenoma; twice, after he'd accepted it and Estinien was still fighting it, and yeah, he was being rather dickish about it. That, plus everything he's heard since... not to mention the encounter he would soon have at one of the shrines with him. ] Wouldn't be the worst thing to take him out, too.

[ So they're on exactly the same page. Two birds with one stone. He's noticeably happy at the idea, takes a sip on his wine while Kaeya answers him.

Amos has a smile for him in turn when he sets the glass back down. ]

Is it good? I kinda just grabbed the first bottle I saw. Don't know all that much about the stuff.

[ Easier to outright talk about that than the fondness he feels from Kaeya, but if they have to have an empathic bond, then at least it's a two-way street; Kaeya will feel Amos reciprocating that very notion, a sense of protectiveness coating his own version of it. There is something nice about not having to use words to get the sentiment across; to just being able to feel it and be immediately understood.

It's so, so fucking nice. Which makes him feel like maybe he won't be overstepping his bounds when he asks his next question. ]

And is that what all those papers on your desk are about? [ He cants his head in their direction. ] Having too much to think about?

[ Was he just trying to get out of his own head, or... ]

[subsist]

[ kaeya's fondness can only grow when he sees amos swirl his wine like a man of culture. nevermind that the conversation is about taking estinien out; he just had to take a moment to admire amos here, as if he doesn't admire the man a whole lot already. if you told him that this is how he'd feel towards the man a few months ago, he would have never believed it. ]

No, it wouldn't be. If we can stop him from being a constant thorn on our side, then I'm sure it will only benefit us in the long run.

[ that said... ]

And this is lovely, by the way. [ after swirling his own glass, he takes the time to smell the wine's aroma before taking another sip. ] I'm detecting hints of blackberry and plum. Always a good mix.

[ luckily, he won't bore amos with the details. he understands that not everyone is into wine-tasting like he is so he avoids nerding out about this particular wine's flavour profile even though he has a pretty good idea of the complete picture. he will, at least, show that he likes the taste by finishing the rest of his glass before reaching over for the bottle — much more carefully this time — so he can fill his glass up again.

he pauses midway when amos asks about the letters on his desk.

for a moment, his expression becomes... lost. wistful. it almost feels as though he's thinking about something far away. ]

... Something like that. I was writing to someone important.

[ it would have been easier to stop right there, since it isn't like amos needs the full story, but the thought of how dangerous the next little while is going to be compels him to keep going. maybe it will be worth if it someone else can remember all the good things about this person other than him. ]

My sworn brother, Diluc— I used to write letters to him when he was away to see the world. I would keep him apprised of what was going on back home, so I thought... even if he'll never receive these, I thought it couldn't hurt to start writing letters again.

[ the only person this is going to hurt is him, anyway. ]

[baltimores]

[ The positive feedback he receives just from swirling his wine — both the spike in emotional sentiment, not to mention Kaeya's words — has his own heart blooming at the notion. Blackberry and plum, huh? He's gotta pick his glass back up, give it another sip, really searching for the taste this time. His smile is that much softer, that much more sincere when he thinks he tastes it, has a little more in turn.

He'd listen to Kaeya talk about wine all day if that's what he wanted to do; if that would keep this feeling coming. Amos just wants to sink into it, into this moment. They'd both gotten fucked up; Amos is pretty much over his injuries and looking ahead to the future, while Kaeya seems to have taken on a bigger brunt, but it doesn't matter. If this is what makes him happy — makes the both of them happy — then it's something more than worth spending their time on. Something they should do more often, regardless of whether it might be needed when recuperating or not.

Shit, maybe he can even become an accidental wine connoisseur. There's something about that that's funny to Amos — that someone like him could grow into that — but as Kaeya makes his approval so well-known, why not?

He's in the middle of finishing off his glass when Kaeya reaches for the bottle, pauses midway just as Kaeya does. Amos' eyebrows are a little raised in curiosity, and he feels it only right to set his glass down, just a little bit of wine left in it. An amount that definitely calls for a refill, even if it isn't done, but.

Kaeya first. He isn't going to get so lost in the combination of getting mildly buzzed from both the alcohol and Kaeya's sentiments towards him that he forgets that his friend is by far the most important part here, and this is about a little more than just wine.

By the time he says sworn brother, Amos' gaze has gone from curious to gentle. He leans forward a little, resting his forearms on the table, interest and companionship in his every movement. The phrase has touched something in him, instantly making him understand — appreciate — the gravity of what Kaeya is telling him, and he won't betray that. ]

It's not a bad idea.

[ His voice is soft to match. ]

Sometimes letters got lost, right? So these are just... they got lost along the way, but thought's still there. That's important.

[ He pauses, exhaling, not sure if he's really getting the sentiment across. When Amos starts speaking again, one could certainly say his voice holds its own degree of wistfulness, as blind to it as he can be. ]

I don't... I guess I kinda had a sworn brother. Cap— [ nah, wait— ] Jim. He was my captain. I never had to worry about not being able to reach him, because we were on the same ship. Kinda made it impossible to get away from the guy. Except I had personal business before I ended up in Horos, so I took a leave, and it ended up being longer than I expected. Communications got cut off, so not like I could call him or anything. I was actually just on my way back to him when everything died, and I was the only one to wake back up. [ He swallows, a subconscious movement, carries on. ] Before then, though, I was sliding back into some bad habits. Knew I needed to get back to him. I think on some level he knew I needed to be with him, too... maybe that did make us sworn brothers. I dunno.

[ Amos offers something of a lopsided smile, a shrug in apology as he sits back up a little. ]

Point is, I know it's not the same between us, but we both had people we wanted to stick by, right? And they probably wanted to stick by us too. So Diluc probably liked those letters. And he'd've liked getting these ones, so no reason not to write them, even if it's just for you. Sometimes you need that. Remind yourself who you need to be, what you need to do. It's all for something good in the end.

[ Good for all of reality; good for them as individuals. Is there really that much of a difference? ]

[subsist]

[ the gravity of what he's saying is much more than he realizes. when amos begins to tell him about someone important, he can't help but just listen. the relationship amos has with this man called jim isn't quite the same as what he had with diluc, and yet it is in every little way that matters. it wasn't just the companionship, the certainty that you get with knowing they'll always be there no matter where you are, no matter what happens, but just the existence of a bond that was unbreakable. immovable. (or so he thought, in kaeya's case.)

amos might receive a flicker of that emotional feedback— a split-second where something bitter and melancholic cuts through the fondness and nostalgia that he was feeling much earlier on. it's there and gone within the same moment, as if someone is quick to want to forget the feeling ever surfaced to begin with. ]

Diluc and I... didn't exactly get along anymore.

[ being told that someone who probably hated you still liked reading what you had to say to them is simply too much. it's something that is so difficult for him to process right now. he has long since accepted that their relationship was never going to be the same, and arriving here at horos without his other half has only cemented this as fact.

he isn't going to cry here. he won't. ]

He likely burned some of the letters he did receive from me, but that's alright. [ he was used to it, he's trying to say. ] It didn't stop me from writing to him, and it won't stop me now.

[ even if he is no longer here, even if these letters will ultimately become lost one day, he'll keep writing.

when he looks up at amos again, all of the bad stuff is gone. if anything, he appears more apologetic than ever, sheepish. almost embarrassed. it's not like him to lose his composure like this, but at least he seems alright again. ]

... In any case, now I know for certain that you're a good person, Amos. If Jim was anything like Diluc, then he stuck by you because of that.

[ it's a classic way of trying to stop making this about himself, and he can only hope amos lets him have it. ]

[baltimores]

[ The blip earns a frown from Amos, the immediate forcing down of any negative sentiment. He catches it because it's something he's used to doing, so feeling that kind of sentiment come from someone else is... it's different. He actually isn't sure how to feel about that.

So he listens. And when Kaeya finishes, Amos holds the wine bottle out for him to fill up again. C'mon, if you need it. ]

I'm really not a good person. [ But he says it with a sheepish tone, shrug in his voice; Kaeya isn't the only one who's tried to insist he's better than he is, and... maybe he should start listening. It's just that it's a little hard to do that after decades of knowing that you're a bad one, that you'll always have the capacity to hurt people instead. ] I think Cap thought I could be one. I'd like to think he was right, but...

[ And here he actually does shrug, who knows. He doesn't want to discredit Kaeya's thoughts about him, though. Not when he's holding him in high regard. When there's a natural flow to their relationship, of two people who can comfort one another, be there for one another, build each other up.

He also recognizes what Kaeya is doing. Doesn't want to take that from him. But... ]

You got Schrödinger's friend. Maybe Diluc did burn your letters, maybe he didn't. You got no way of knowing until you observe him, and since that's impossible, you'll never know. So that means he both did and didn't burn them. So there's always the chance that he didn't. You kept writing to him then; it's no different now.

[ A beat. ]

But if you ever feel the need to do more than write, you know where to find me.

[ For more wine, for just talking, for... well... whatever. ]

[subsist]

[ it's not really amos' fault that kaeya is the way he is: brittle, ready to shatter once you're passed all the layers he encased in ice and frost. setting aside any negative emotion is how he makes it easier on himself, but he knows things aren't so easy to hide around someone who shares the same legacy as you. he can tell that amos realized what he did, and he's grateful when the man didn't point it out at all, because it's not like he knows how to address it in a way that will makes sense.

in return, he says nothing when amos shrugs his shoulders over the claim that he's a good person. kaeya's opinion doesn't come easily, and once he's made up his mind about someone, it's difficult to shake that faith, no matter what happens — so he keeps quiet, resolving to remind amos that he thought otherwise whenever he can. it doesn't have to be today.

he does take up the offer to receive more wine, at least. it breaks up the silence that he's fallen into while he listens to the other man speak, his eye observing the liquid in his glass until he signals for amos to stop with a nod of his head. ]

I understand what you're trying to say. I appreciate it, Amos.

[ it's not everyday that someone bothers to cheer him up. that feeling of fondness is back, maybe more muted compared to earlier, but it's there nonetheless. if nothing else, at least he can rest assured that amos is someone he can consider a friend. being honest around him like this feels… right. it isn't something he wants to take for granted. ]

And, as long as you don't mind me showing at your doorstep during odd hours of the night, I'll keep that mind.

[ when he smiles this time, it's soft and genuine. ]

Thank you for coming tonight.

[ it means to him more than amos will ever realize. ]

[baltimores]

[ It's easy to agree not to talk about things when you're the type that both doesn't understand what you're going through whenever it comes up, and when you naturally have respect for other people's boundaries, anyway. The solid presence of one's appreciation for the other felt through their shared legacy will have to do instead, and that's something Amos is more than comfortable with. Happy to leave things at.

He fills Kaeya's glass until he's told to stop, and then fills his own up the same amount.

Nods at Kaeya. If they weren't busy with wine glasses then he'd take Kaeya's hand in his own, a tangible sign of support, of refusal to quit on a person he considers one of his own. But they are, so the sentiment will have to do all of the heavy lifting instead.

He smiles back, small but certain. ]

Sure thing. I'm a pretty light sleeper. Won't ever say no to a friend, no matter what hour it is.

[ Because they're friends. He might be groggy, but he wouldn't turn Kaeya away, even if it was for something just as trivial as hanging out.

Amos lifts his glass, tilts it slightly in Kaeya's direction. A silent toast before he brings it back to his lips. Blackberry and plum, huh. ]

No problem, Blue.

[ The words are casual, but he really would do this any time the need is felt. ]

[subsist]

[ it's probably a good thing that they're hands are kept busy by the wine. kaeya wouldn't have known how to react properly if amos reached for his, not too used to gestures of comfort and support like that. it has been a while, after all, since he allowed himself such intimate contact with others — at least, ones that mean something more than just a temporary connection.

then again, maybe it would have melted the ice around his heart a little. it's the thought that counts. the sentiment is there regardless, and it's difficult to ignore.

it's also equally difficult to ignore the way his heart flips when amos says they're friends. he doesn't think he'll ever get used to that, but... it's nice. it's not a bad feeling. plus, it makes the loneliness feel less daunting. less suffocating. his smile is much warmer when he speaks again. ]

Blue? That's something new.

[ he takes a sip of wine, humming thoughtfully. ]

Is that what you're going to call me from now on? [ then, his voice grows teasing: ] It's not because I have blue hair, is it?