[ It's a nauseating sight, what she stumbles onto in the Citadel. Lottie would be a liar, and a terrible one at that, if she told anyone she didn't know what the hell was going on. Chaos, madness, destruction โ horrifically in that order. The first time she sees the prisoners on display like she was in some crazy show she'd catch on HBO, it's the trigger to a breakdown. She cries in an empty alleyway, feeling smaller and more confused than ever. By day three of them being displayed, Lottie has no more vomit to spare, little tears to give, but a need for escape.
And without any medication to stop her, especially without anyone she finds herself willing enough to grieve (for who? For what?) and cry in front of, she's planted her butt inside one of the seedier bars she's been to. Lottie doesn't try for a table, simply sits by herself at the bar and drinks something that burns harsh down her throat. Her shard is hidden, hair in braids (hardly neat, but enough to make it seem like she's given thought to her appearance).
It's when she's finished taking a particularly long and harsh sip of her drink, and she hisses through her teeth, does she notice the person beside her. She wonders if they even recognize her, if she recognizes them outside of the party she threw. Does it even matter in the end? ]
Here. [ She slides her glass, condensation making it wet to the touch. She's clearly been drinking it for quite some time, ] I don't think I can finish it..
[ Throughout Achamoth, there will be a flyer being displayed on different buildings and inside all kinds of establishments โ courtesy of Lottie's Kenoma Assigned Internโข. It reads as follows:
LOOKING FOR: a roommate! serious inquiries ONLY.
must be responsible, cleanly. good judge of character. NO pets. willing to discuss terms IF you are male. 50% of rent is YOUR responsibility.
[ At the bottom it reads to talk to the Kenoma Assigned Internโข (AKA, the finely dressed woman some ways away from the flyer) for more information. She gives you a portrait with Lottie's face on it, if you manage to pass the Not a Freakโข test, and tells you to contact her post haste to discuss the contract. ]
๐๐. ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐ [ or feel free to hit me up with whatever!! ]
[ Seedy bars are Matt's favorite kind these days. Anything goes in Achamoth, but these establishments are particularly unlikely to cut him off, or to remark on the frequency and timing with which he appears. And there are so many reasons to drink right now: Abel and Himeka's capture. His role in sending Flora to her death. The unpredictable pain in his missing fingers, sometimes flaring up for a moment and sometimes radiating for hours. Matt supposes there's no better time to learn about healing potions, at least for pain relief. But he's having to adjust to so much now that the thought exhausts him.
Drinking it is.
Matt's got a purple scarf on, flecked with gold that he's been told brings out his eyes, to hide his shard. No mask today. He's as surprised to recognize Lottie as she is to recognize him, and embarrassment follows a moment after: He couldn't have been that deep in a self-pitying spiral, could he? ]
If you're sure. [ Matt shoots her a sheepish smile. He pauses to make sure the stump of his left hand is hidden at his side, then reaches for the glass with his right. ] Hey Lottie. Can I buy you something else instead? Trade?
[ It's strange, and comforting, in a very weird way to see Matt here. She thinks of the last time they had actually been at a bar, back when things weren't so ugly and confusing. When things were a little easier to ignore because nothing traumatic had happened to them yet.. The embarrassment at finding someone being equally emo at a bar by themselves is drowned out by the fact Matt probably understands why she's here. In fact, Lottie's expression softens, the exhaustion and pain mingling in her eyes easier to see, even in this dim lighting. ]
Do they have nachos here or something?
[ She doesn't say anything about that pause of his, too busy fiddling with the rings adorning her fingers. She twists them every so often, staring down at the way they glimmer in the light. Her voice is considerably light, but just loud enough for Matt to be able to catch - ]
Or, any finger foods, really.. [ She wiggles her fingers to herself, not really realizing she's doing it as she speaks. ] We can share? If that's cool with you.
[ When Matt looks back at his time on Horos, he can't remember a moment here that hasn't been fueled by pain. Even moments of happiness or hedonism feel like they've been achieved at the end of a chain, or the stretched end of a rubber band.
To be fair, life back on Earth wasn't all that much better. Matt has trouble remembering what it felt like to expect different than what the world is now: slowly circling a cosmic drain. ]
Sharing sounds great. [ He smiles faintly. ] I don't know if I'm hungry enough to eat a whole thing right now.
[ He lifts his right hand to hail a server, wincing slightly as the gesture clangs in his stump. It turns out that they do have something like nachos here, though it's more of a bread you can dip in stew. Matt figures #countit. The server departs, and Matt glances back to Lottie. ]
So, uh ... is it stupid if I ask how you're doing?
[ Troubled minds think alike, as it turns out, and it makes Lottie feel a lot less silly about coming here to Broodโข at this shady bar. And it certainly makes her feel a little more.. Well, normal, to see Matt question just how much they should pretend they both didn't just go through something terrible. ]
I'm.. [ She looks at her hand, the one that regrew itself. Her nails are a pretty hue of blue, flecks of black just as dark as the cobble that lines the streets sparkling when she tilts her hand just so. Lottie uses that same hand to rub at her face. ] God, I don't even know if I can lie about how I am.
[ She sighs out, big and dramatic, digging her elbows into the bar top so she can cradle her head in her hands. ]
Lottie Person goes to bars now to be moody by herself, instead of at home, apparently!
[ Matt doesn't think Lottie's being dramatic. Her reaction here seems wholly proportionate to the situation they're in. Her sighing and slumping is kind of charming, actually--almost like she's taking all that sadness and making it something vibrant. Matt echoes the sigh in a rueful exhale. ]
Well, what's better about being at home? [ He lifts Lottie's erstwhile cocktail and takes a sip. ] No offense to our coworkers, but I don't know if being comforting is exactly their bag.
[ A delicate pause--or no, strike that, Matt's been drinking too much for delicacy. ]
Plus, some of them might even like what's going on.
[ She leaves that bit vague, because she can agree with just about everything he says. Their coworkers being questionable? Absolutely. Them maybe enjoying this too much? Yes! Being enthusiastic?? Doubly yes!! She looks at Matt like it's the first time she's really seen him, and understood him, and it gives her some sense of comfort in all of this. ]
[ Matt returns Lottie's regard with a rueful smile. He can't read everything that's in her expression--or most of it, to be honest, Matt has a bad habit of seeing multiple meanings in everything and gaslighting himself about his own emotional literacy as a result--but he's pleased that he seems to have soothed her. At the (rhetorical, likely) question, he sighs. ]
Whatever the hell normal is, [ he agrees. The throb in his left wrist makes him feel like a fraud. There's probably no definition of normal that includes "ritually sacrificing limbs for spiritual insight." Still, he'd rather try to support Lottie than worry about himself. ] I mean, I do think that some people are mainly ... acting out, and not thinking very clearly. It's hard to avoid getting us-versus-them when the other team is trying to kill you.
But that's just my impression. What are you thinking? [ He sketches a small circle with his glass, indicating just between us. ] Circle of silence.
[ When his finger, careful, delicate, runs over the rim of the glass, their food is gently placed between them. While Lottie can't smell particularly well (chalk it up to the general smell of the place, the mix of different scents and people, and her allergies), but it at least looks appetizing. Enough to get her to gingerly grab a piece of bread, seasoned and toasted perfectly on every slice as she thinks about her answer.
She slides the bowl of soup, warm and thick, a little closer to the two of them, so Matt won't have to struggle as much to reach. ]
That this is a lot different than what Game of Thrones made it out to be?
[ Her other hand reaches out for one of the plates they set out for them, letting her broth soaked bread drip onto it. ]
..Maybe not, actually. [ A purse of her lips. ] I guess I'm thinking that.. Well, not thinking, but realizing that not everyone is like us? Everyone is soo different.
And sometimes I can understand why they do what they do, [ Like Silco, and his murder quest for the Innocence. And Misa.. Well, Lottie doesn't actually know why Misa is so efficient at what she does, but she's pretty! And pretty people always have a good reason to do things. ] and then I think to myself, am I the weird one for not being in on this? Or am I weird for like, sympathizing? But I wanna stay the same. Me. But I can't. But they seem happy sometimes, so why shouldn't I?
[ Matt nods slowly as she speaks. Some of what she's saying is achingly familiar to him, resonating so deeply that it might have come out of his own head. Some of it is harder to parse. But it all makes sense to him. Lottie says "normal" and "like us," and Matt takes it to mean that they come from social contexts where most people are discouraged from ... directly brutalizing other people. Wishing for a better world, enduring nightmarish family dinners, putting on a brave face? Sure. But cheer on a public execution? Bat nary an eye at the prospect of humiliating captured opponents? Who has opponents?
Matt doesn't touch the bread and stew, at least not yet. His fingertip plink, plinks, against the rim of his glass. ]
You're not weird. [ This is soft, but firm. ] What you're feeling ... I mean, I don't know all the ins and outs, clearly, but there's no right or wrong way to process all this. How the fuck could there be? This is totally uncharted. And it's hard. It's really hard, but I think ...
That you're here for a reason. I believe that.
Maybe sympathizing and not feeling happy are pieces that we need as Kenoma. Things we have to hold onto, even while we go where we're going. Or maybe they're things you need to feel now, and that's enough.
[ Moodily, she takes a bite out of her bread. It is unexpectedly.. Delicious? And complements what Matt is making her feel and think as he speaks to her. Because when he tells her she isn't weird, for a few moments she really does believe him (even without the whole Aion thing, Lottie can admit she's always been a little high strung and strange when she's left to operate by herself). Lottie purses her lips, lets the bartender set down some glasses of water off to their side without so much a word.
And then, when she's dabbing at her lips with a napkin, she uses that time to think. It looks like she's considering something before she takes her snack and places it away and onto her plate. As much as she wants to theorize that the Regent is systematically doing this to make them stronger, she's forgotten a very important thing: ]
[ How he's feeling ... the million-jool question. Apart from "miserable," that is, which feels like a symptom rather than a root. Matt thinks of Abel and Himeka. Of Estinien, raising his lance. Of Flora's pale, pinched face as she'd slowly grown quieter and quieter, receding into herself. ]
I feel like a bad person, [ he admits, in a tone of soft surprise. Almost hollow. ] Which probably isn't how a wildfire feels when it's tearing up a forest.
I think the thing for me is I know how to channel power, so whether it's power that comes from my world or straight from the Kenoma, mechanically it feels pretty similar. I just don't know what that ... makes me.
Or if what I am really matters that much, in the grand scheme of things.
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๐ธ๐น๐ฎ๐ท ๐งผ hard times
๐๐. ๐ซ๐๐๐ฅ ๐๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ญ๐ ๐
๐๐. ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐
[ or feel free to hit me up with whatever!! ]
01
Drinking it is.
Matt's got a purple scarf on, flecked with gold that he's been told brings out his eyes, to hide his shard. No mask today. He's as surprised to recognize Lottie as she is to recognize him, and embarrassment follows a moment after: He couldn't have been that deep in a self-pitying spiral, could he? ]
If you're sure. [ Matt shoots her a sheepish smile. He pauses to make sure the stump of his left hand is hidden at his side, then reaches for the glass with his right. ] Hey Lottie. Can I buy you something else instead? Trade?
no subject
Do they have nachos here or something?
[ She doesn't say anything about that pause of his, too busy fiddling with the rings adorning her fingers. She twists them every so often, staring down at the way they glimmer in the light. Her voice is considerably light, but just loud enough for Matt to be able to catch - ]
Or, any finger foods, really.. [ She wiggles her fingers to herself, not really realizing she's doing it as she speaks. ] We can share? If that's cool with you.
no subject
To be fair, life back on Earth wasn't all that much better. Matt has trouble remembering what it felt like to expect different than what the world is now: slowly circling a cosmic drain. ]
Sharing sounds great. [ He smiles faintly. ] I don't know if I'm hungry enough to eat a whole thing right now.
[ He lifts his right hand to hail a server, wincing slightly as the gesture clangs in his stump. It turns out that they do have something like nachos here, though it's more of a bread you can dip in stew. Matt figures #countit. The server departs, and Matt glances back to Lottie. ]
So, uh ... is it stupid if I ask how you're doing?
no subject
[ Troubled minds think alike, as it turns out, and it makes Lottie feel a lot less silly about coming here to Broodโข at this shady bar. And it certainly makes her feel a little more.. Well, normal, to see Matt question just how much they should pretend they both didn't just go through something terrible. ]
I'm.. [ She looks at her hand, the one that regrew itself. Her nails are a pretty hue of blue, flecks of black just as dark as the cobble that lines the streets sparkling when she tilts her hand just so. Lottie uses that same hand to rub at her face. ] God, I don't even know if I can lie about how I am.
[ She sighs out, big and dramatic, digging her elbows into the bar top so she can cradle her head in her hands. ]
Lottie Person goes to bars now to be moody by herself, instead of at home, apparently!
no subject
Well, what's better about being at home? [ He lifts Lottie's erstwhile cocktail and takes a sip. ] No offense to our coworkers, but I don't know if being comforting is exactly their bag.
[ A delicate pause--or no, strike that, Matt's been drinking too much for delicacy. ]
Plus, some of them might even like what's going on.
no subject
Ugh.. Understatement of the year.
[ She leaves that bit vague, because she can agree with just about everything he says. Their coworkers being questionable? Absolutely. Them maybe enjoying this too much? Yes! Being enthusiastic?? Doubly yes!! She looks at Matt like it's the first time she's really seen him, and understood him, and it gives her some sense of comfort in all of this. ]
Are we the only normal people left?
no subject
Whatever the hell normal is, [ he agrees. The throb in his left wrist makes him feel like a fraud. There's probably no definition of normal that includes "ritually sacrificing limbs for spiritual insight." Still, he'd rather try to support Lottie than worry about himself. ] I mean, I do think that some people are mainly ... acting out, and not thinking very clearly. It's hard to avoid getting us-versus-them when the other team is trying to kill you.
But that's just my impression. What are you thinking? [ He sketches a small circle with his glass, indicating just between us. ] Circle of silence.
no subject
She slides the bowl of soup, warm and thick, a little closer to the two of them, so Matt won't have to struggle as much to reach. ]
That this is a lot different than what Game of Thrones made it out to be?
[ Her other hand reaches out for one of the plates they set out for them, letting her broth soaked bread drip onto it. ]
..Maybe not, actually. [ A purse of her lips. ] I guess I'm thinking that.. Well, not thinking, but realizing that not everyone is like us? Everyone is soo different.
And sometimes I can understand why they do what they do, [ Like Silco, and his murder quest for the Innocence. And Misa.. Well, Lottie doesn't actually know why Misa is so efficient at what she does, but she's pretty! And pretty people always have a good reason to do things. ] and then I think to myself, am I the weird one for not being in on this? Or am I weird for like, sympathizing? But I wanna stay the same. Me. But I can't. But they seem happy sometimes, so why shouldn't I?
no subject
Matt doesn't touch the bread and stew, at least not yet. His fingertip plink, plinks, against the rim of his glass. ]
You're not weird. [ This is soft, but firm. ] What you're feeling ... I mean, I don't know all the ins and outs, clearly, but there's no right or wrong way to process all this. How the fuck could there be? This is totally uncharted. And it's hard. It's really hard, but I think ...
That you're here for a reason. I believe that.
Maybe sympathizing and not feeling happy are pieces that we need as Kenoma. Things we have to hold onto, even while we go where we're going. Or maybe they're things you need to feel now, and that's enough.
no subject
And then, when she's dabbing at her lips with a napkin, she uses that time to think. It looks like she's considering something before she takes her snack and places it away and onto her plate. As much as she wants to theorize that the Regent is systematically doing this to make them stronger, she's forgotten a very important thing: ]
How are you feeling? The same way or..?
no subject
I feel like a bad person, [ he admits, in a tone of soft surprise. Almost hollow. ] Which probably isn't how a wildfire feels when it's tearing up a forest.
I think the thing for me is I know how to channel power, so whether it's power that comes from my world or straight from the Kenoma, mechanically it feels pretty similar. I just don't know what that ... makes me.
Or if what I am really matters that much, in the grand scheme of things.