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Entry tags:
(closed) i'm immune to you, you're immune to me
WHO: Ciel and Xishen
WHAT: One Kenoma Martyr lady checking on another
WHERE: Achamoth Citadel, Xishen's room
WHEN: Half an hour-ish after the feast
WARNINGS: Suicide idealization
Back on the Triwaters during the boat trip, Ciel had privately asked Xishen certain questions pertaining to their Shards. Xishen had been very to the point and professional throughout the exchange, cool and collected as she stuck to her facts and left no room for ulterior interpretations.
A complete and total contrast to how she reacted earlier that night, when she went as still as a statue while the Regent roared their laughter out after Childe had made the selfsame suggestion. It was albeit less of a suggestion and more a straight out public damnation, putting her on full blast in front of everyone else seated at the table. It wasn't hard to notice how the other woman hasn't looked up from her plate even once after that exchange, the feast certainly ended up being the longest and most awkward dinner for more than just a few among their numbers.
Childe was naturally the easier one to speak with, as the Harbinger sat next to her at the table and they've already exchanged a few friendly words prior. She went after him first for a check-in, quite aware of the foul mood the entire ordeal had left him. There was always going to be a second stop made, however, and it was after having seen to that "loose end" more or less tied that she sets off to seek out her fellow Martyr.
What is she hoping for, when she already knew there was nothing she could have said or done at that table? She must admit deep down that she still isn't entirely sure, and the Regent's extreme reaction only made matters more confusing overall. She simply knows she must find the other woman, maybe make sure she's okay if nothing else. Thus she only hesitates for a beat once she finds herself in front of the corresponding door, the direction given to her by more than one citadel servant who all knew very well where the only Aion they've served for many years resides.
...There goes.
She knocks on the door twice. No other sound is made, but she does also attempt projecting a probing, seeking feel though "communion" towards her Aion senior, that's what the other woman had referred to the act as aboard the ship. Her free hand rests atop the Shard embedded in her chest, though she has no idea if that'll do any good when taking it out is what's supposed to heighten its sensitivity for whatever ends it may be used for. Ciel herself still isn't certain of the precise steps either, and while she's successfully contacted Xishen the last two times, they were also right next to each other back then. How about now? Will Xishen even accept seeing or 'hearing' her, even if she's present in her room at this very moment?
Only one way to find out.
WHAT: One Kenoma Martyr lady checking on another
WHERE: Achamoth Citadel, Xishen's room
WHEN: Half an hour-ish after the feast
WARNINGS: Suicide idealization
Back on the Triwaters during the boat trip, Ciel had privately asked Xishen certain questions pertaining to their Shards. Xishen had been very to the point and professional throughout the exchange, cool and collected as she stuck to her facts and left no room for ulterior interpretations.
A complete and total contrast to how she reacted earlier that night, when she went as still as a statue while the Regent roared their laughter out after Childe had made the selfsame suggestion. It was albeit less of a suggestion and more a straight out public damnation, putting her on full blast in front of everyone else seated at the table. It wasn't hard to notice how the other woman hasn't looked up from her plate even once after that exchange, the feast certainly ended up being the longest and most awkward dinner for more than just a few among their numbers.
Childe was naturally the easier one to speak with, as the Harbinger sat next to her at the table and they've already exchanged a few friendly words prior. She went after him first for a check-in, quite aware of the foul mood the entire ordeal had left him. There was always going to be a second stop made, however, and it was after having seen to that "loose end" more or less tied that she sets off to seek out her fellow Martyr.
What is she hoping for, when she already knew there was nothing she could have said or done at that table? She must admit deep down that she still isn't entirely sure, and the Regent's extreme reaction only made matters more confusing overall. She simply knows she must find the other woman, maybe make sure she's okay if nothing else. Thus she only hesitates for a beat once she finds herself in front of the corresponding door, the direction given to her by more than one citadel servant who all knew very well where the only Aion they've served for many years resides.
...There goes.
She knocks on the door twice. No other sound is made, but she does also attempt projecting a probing, seeking feel though "communion" towards her Aion senior, that's what the other woman had referred to the act as aboard the ship. Her free hand rests atop the Shard embedded in her chest, though she has no idea if that'll do any good when taking it out is what's supposed to heighten its sensitivity for whatever ends it may be used for. Ciel herself still isn't certain of the precise steps either, and while she's successfully contacted Xishen the last two times, they were also right next to each other back then. How about now? Will Xishen even accept seeing or 'hearing' her, even if she's present in her room at this very moment?
Only one way to find out.
no subject
While there has so often been hazy nothing coming from Xishen, now her spirit is awash with debilitating feelings of sorrow. The weight of the loneliness, longing, and loss that consumes her senses is enough to knock someone off their feet, the pressure briefly stopping one's heart. Moments after Ciel's knock, however, the tides start being stemmed. As if with conscious effort, realizing she is not alone, Xishen's emotions are reduced to a stream, and then a trickle.
It's a full two minutes later that Xishen actually arrives at the door. As she cracks it open, a slice of her countenance can be seen; she's still in her dinner dress, and her eyes are red and swollen with tears, the eyeliner blurred by her effort to rub them away. Her hair and clothing are askew, only barely straightened out on her way over to the door.
"What do you want?" she asks.
no subject
...Xishen.
In the end, she simply lets it all cascade over her. It wouldn't feel right to... try doing anything about it, like something important that she shouldn't shrink away or avert her eyes from. The murky and oppressive waves eventually abate, and with one measured breath after the next, she also steadies herself before any sound or sign of movement comes from the door. She's no stranger at regulating her emotions herself, another coincidental commonality that they seem to share beyond the same Legacy that connects them.
Then, the door clicks open to unveil a glimpse of its inhabitant, and just that was more than enough. Arguably too much, even: the other woman looks like a utter mess, there's not a trace left of the aloof Aion who oversaw the ritual inside the Empty Throne. She's grateful to be answered, but this is the first time since gaining consciousness in this world that Ciel feels her insides truly sink. Coming from attempting to coolly assess both the Regent and Xishen's reactions with Childe mere minutes prior, she can feel the guilt coil in her own gut as the bitingly bitter contrast between then and now seeps deeper into the cracks of her own soul. ...Ah. So she too can still feel that way, after... no, in spite of everything from before.
...
Lowering her gaze, she offers a small and demure bow. She hasn't changed out of her dress either, leaving the banquet right after Childe and heading over to this wing without pause once her talk with the Firebrand had concluded. She's far from fresh herself, but after seeing Xishen's state...
"...To see you, Xishen."
She can't say her tone sounded confident or reassuring, but.
"It may be forward of me, but after what happened, I can't leave this alone."
no subject
The full picture of Xishen's living space becomes more clear as the crosses the floor, back towards her bed. It's of a similar structure to everyone else's, though with changes in décor and floorplan that are likely the result of having had many years to adjust these things. As she moves, Xishen begins properly letting down her hair, removing her hair sticks and gradually unravelling her indistinct mass of dark hair. It flows a bit like water, a blur of blackness rather than individual strands.
There's a smear of black across one of her pillows, something that is quickly hidden as she start making her bed, which looks like it'd had someone curled up on it not long ago. She doesn't seem to have much to say. Maybe she thinks that Ciel should be the one to start.
no subject
'Girl' is a fact too, applicable to both occupants inside this room.
So she doesn't need to be told. Silent permission granted, she follows the dark-haired Aion in and softly clicks the door shut behind her.
"Can I help you with anything?"
She asks softly after giving the room a cursory glance, stilling her steps once she's taken a few in. Of course it would be unreasonable to expect Xishen to say anything, when it's her own nosiness than brought her to the other woman's doorstep to begin with. She's still not sure what she's hoping to accomplish, admittedly, but it makes sense to start with what she can while being mindful of... Her own ignorance, really. It's only been a few days since their collective arrival to Achamoth, they still have much to learn about everything on Horos. Xishen is different, however. What had she gone through? What did she see? How long has she been here? Why was she so heartbroken?
Thus that is all she can offer out loud, at least for now.
no subject
"No," she says. "I assumed you were here to interrogate me."
Though Xishen has mostly silenced the stream of emotions between them, there is a flicker of guilty and uncertainty in the air. On the outside, though, it seems like she is trying to curtail any attempts at pleasantries.
"If you have questions, you may as well ask."
no subject
"I don't think I can grasp the full breadth of your answer even if you humor me, not when we've only recently arrived and know so little about everything around us." Granted, that's assuming Xishen even deigns to answer, but it doesn't change the fact that they lack so, so much context. "I didn't press last time, partially because of that reason."
Back on the ship, surely she doesn't need to clarify. But Xishen did open the door for her tonight when she could've simply ignored her, pretend to be out of her room for a walk or something. Why? That should count for something too, no?
"...Would that really be okay?" To speak freely? And not JUST to ask her things, as she expected.
The question is accompanied by a tentative prod. They could be under surveillance, the possibility doesn't escape her. Maybe it doesn't matter either way, but at least like this, she would've tried.
no subject
"If that's what you want," she says. She gestures towards the room at large, some slight suggestion that Ciel can settle in. On some level she must realize that with two Martyrs speaking to each other, this dance of trying to attain permission from each other could go on indefinitely.
no subject
Well then. The first thing she would personally want to know, hear an explanation from her senior Aion:
"What did that laugh mean?"
It was as perplexing as it was unsettling. The Regent clearly had a particular sense of humor, having cracked more than a few lines throughout dinner. But that explosive laughter as if they've just heard the funniest joke in the world, considering the gravity of what Childe brought up in front of everyone? It's what remains at the forefront of her mind, if she were to set aside for a moment questions that pertain directly to Xishen's motives and actions.
no subject
"The Regent?" she asks, though she's already fairly sure that's what Ciel means. However, she doesn't seem to know how much to say. The silent lingers for a bit too long.
"I guess they thought it was funny... that Tartaglia was so observant," she finally says. "That I'd been so bold about all of it, only for it to get called out in front of everyone as soon as as we got back."
no subject
"What were you expecting?" What Ciel ends up asking out loud is worded differently, tone and expression neutral. "When you decided on what you had to do, and the potential consequences that may follow."
no subject
Her voice is level as well, whatever emotion that had been tormenting her suppressed or cast aside for now. She's trying to explain facts.
"What to do with the ones that denied the Kenoma was a subject of debate. The Regent was mostly concerned with giving the new recruits a chance to prove themselves. I made the call myself, because of a promise the Regent gave me a long time ago."
Her gaze becomes even more unfocused, staring into a time or place that definitely isn't the present.
"...But I didn't think that the rest of you would have any reason to doubt my explanation. It's not as if you know the rules of this place. I guess it doesn't matter, anyway."
no subject
"I did not speak of our conversation aboard the ship to anyone else. Tartaglia drew his own conclusions, just as I had." It doesn't mean much, and it frankly frustrates her that the statement rings like an excuse, but it's the truth for what little it's worth. 'It doesn't matter', Ciel wholeheartedly agrees.
What does, on the other hand.
...
"Can you please tell me more about the past? This promise you were accorded, and how it ties to the present."
Lowering her head into a small bow, the request is softly spoken, humbly made. Xishen had as good as confirmed that she's secured a chance for the Pleroma to thrive, one that the Regent knew yet saw fit to let slide. How does this fit into the Regent's vision? Above that, what motivated Xishen to cash in on that promise, if she didn't work to obtain it herself? Childe had surmised that Xishen sympathizes with the Pleroma. Ciel's intuition tells her it's much more than that. So, if it's truly okay for her to ask, then...
...But it's fine too, if she doesn't want to answer.
no subject
She lifts a finger to Ciel, her expression still flat.
"Only if you answer my question first," she says. Her gaze settles on Ciel with pointed intensity. "Why did you answer the Kenoma's call? What has made you pursue this so enthusiastically? Don't bullshit me, and I won't bullshit you."
1/2
There's no avoiding this. She doesn't like to speak of herself, but that life is supposedly behind her. As one who has done plenty of 'bullshitting' in the past, and perhaps also due to the connection they share as two belonging to the same Legacy, she can well grasp the gravity of Xishen's demand. She didn't have any intention to spill her life story when she settled on seeking Xishen out, but suppose these things just happen, and she's really no stranger to unexpected turns in her life at this point. Especially those made for the worse, which... This situation isn't, oddly enough.
So.
Drawing in a silent breath and straightening her back, she looks up to meet the dark haired-woman's scrutinizing gaze heads on. A calming exhale follows, and she begins once she's collected herself, practically serene for all the wrong reasons.
"Because I've already destroyed too many things, yet I myself will stay like this no matter what was done to me. The more I tried to atone, the more sins I committed. In the end, being a killing machine was all that I was good for."
A pause, but it's not long. She keeps going.
"...There was an ordinary boy who only wanted to live, with an extraordinary ability to inflict death. But he had terrible luck and was caught between many feuding powers far beyond him, so I took advantage of his trust and forced him to forfeit our lives to each other. I selfishly wanted it to end, and right before I was drawn here, it almost did."
She already alluded to the fact that she shouldn't be alive to Xishen back within the confines of that cavern. She did not go into details about the exact nature of her immortality, but seeing how she did not dissipate from what should've by all rights been a fatal wound, made a complete recovery within a day, and asked specific questions pertaining to Aion powers on the boat, the larger picture must not be difficult to see - or verify - at this point.
no subject
"Yet everything else had instead, while something like me was allowed to carry on. A monster should at least know its place, and this one knows it has no right to decide the fate of anything, much less entire worlds." She did not attempt to convince anyone in picking a side back then, precisely because she stayed true to her own reasoning. "I simply know that I must now keep going, do what I can and what I'm told. If there is a force that persists, lives, hopes, then surely, I can only stand in opposition of it."
Is it the Martyr's influence? Or the Kenoma's? Or is she merely making excuses, and it's nothing more than her own selfish whim to confess? She did not expect to become so long-winded. It's practically out of character even, she's not a candid person. Maybe she will beat herself over it later, but for now, she willingly offers the whole truth to her senior Aion, the exact way she perceives it.
She's not a good person, so she has no business being on any "good" side.
It's as simple as that.
no subject
"Do you see this as a place for 'monsters' then?" she asks, looking away. "The Kenoma?"
Ciel's mindset is not unheard of, but it's certainly distinct from those that join the Regent's forces for ideological reasons, or out of spite for a world that has failed them.
no subject
"No. I have already experienced the nuances during the time we waited, even after you called things into motion. I know there are Pleromas who wouldn't dispute the label of 'monster' for themselves, who also think they can only bring ruin and should rightfully be cursed by others. Yet they chose as they have in spite of that, and resisted us with everything they have no matter what we did. Some were even more concerned for us than we ourselves are."
Or maybe she simply couldn't stop meeting messy and complicated people down there somehow, but surely it can't just be a Martyr problem? Probably...
"There's more to aligning with the Kenoma or Pleroma than beliefs about the world, others, and towards yourself, as much as they all are influencing factors. That's what I think... but what I think doesn't matter. We know too little anyway."
That too, she's already admitted to Xishen earlier, and rounds back to what spurred her to ask about a past that doesn't directly involve her. Maybe that's a Martyr thing, too? Not being nosy, no, but consideration of others regardless of sect, time period, personal beliefs, and actions taken. She did step up to fight without hesitation, yet failed to retain a single Pleroma despite having successfully taken one hostage before the spell's completion. It's part of why she didn't press Xishen about the Pleroma's escape and claims she hasn't shared their conversation with anyone else, as inconsequential as these details are at this point.
Maybe it's also why she's here, right now?...
no subject
"...Back in a time when I was less confident about my path, the Regent promised me that, in the end, the cause of the Kenoma proved itself. The hopes of the Pleroma would always eventually fall, and every cycle of their suffering would simply bring the cosmos closer to oblivion. Their point was that there's nothing actually noble about delaying the process, I think."
He hesitates, recalling the scene she's describing. It's clearly a time in her life that holds weight.
"But... at the same time... it relies on the idea that they will fail eventually, no matter what. That it's something that can't be avoided. I guess... I wanted to give them that. The chance to fail on their own."
Her voice catches, even so slightly.
"...And they knew. They knew that's what I would do. So, even though they never told me to do it, it was what they expected of me."
no subject
... But framing it like that, doesn't it open the argument towards the opposite way too? That if the Pleroma are truly not just resilient and hopeful, but also a force of good, then if they do somehow manage to triumph despite the odds, wouldn't such an outcome also prove that the Kenoma was an evil that had to be defeated all along?
Ciel decides against voicing such a thought. At least not entirely, and not now. It's not her intention to make things harder for Xishen, and it didn't matter to her much anyway as someone who's well mastered the ability to separate her thoughts and feelings from her actions.
"That sounds a little contradictory to me, but it does add up. We've had the opportunity to see the Regent displeased tonight, and that's obviously not what happened with this. They don't see the Pleroma's budding forces as a threat. If it was serious, I don't think I would've found you here, either."
There's no need to delve into the implications. Sensing the subtle shift, her serene demeanour grows more sombre as well.
"Then... May I ask why you reacted the way you did? If it's not because of the Regent as both of you already knew, could it really be because of us? Many of the others aren't in any hurry to interact with you more after what you had to do because of your responsibilities, you must also already be aware. You didn't appear very bothered by their negative perceptions before, so it's hard for me to believe you may be worried about how we would interpret your actions."
To not even touch upon that crushing deluge of loneliness and grief she happened across, while she was still on the other side of that door. It left a far larger impact than the Regent's laughter. What had this woman gone through...? It's why she thinks there's more to how Xishen reacted too, even if she can't reason out what just yet. Or had she overlooked something herself? It's a possibility, but she really doesn't know.
no subject
He brow furrows, and her words become a bit more sharp.
"...Because don't take any of this to mean that the rest of you will get the same reception if you follow my example. I've worked with the Regent for decades... and even besides that, they don't always act in predictable patterns. What slides or gets punished won't always be the same. It depends on who you are, and what your intent is."
"You saw that at supper, didn't you? They don't judge things on objective merits. That man who was banished from the hall? If he's as old and powerful as they said, it probably means that they afford his actions more weight." She shakes her head. "I don't know the details, but the Regent can learn things about you through the Kenoma. They know you, and they'll act accordingly."
no subject
"...I don't think it was seen that way, but it's a possibility, that's true. At least one of us had been under the impression that you intended for us take the fall over our collective failure, rather than interpret it as an act of defiance against the Regent." It may be obvious to whom she is referring to, but she opts to leave out any name, just as Xishen had.
She heeds the warning, as it is one.
"Understood." She does intend to do what she's told regardless of what she learns, she'd just still like to know. As contradictory as the very act of seeking more knowledge may be, for a weapon has no need of context that may produce sympathy towards what it's intended to be used against. But she's already hurt and snuffed out so many lives she looked up to and cherished, so what's a third time in a new world so far removed from everything she once used to know?
The last part has her lower her gaze. It's more befuddling than threatening, as the revelation feels like being divulged a technical aspect of how Horos works rather than a warning to not step out of line. She doesn't ever see herself attaining
faith hopedefiance tobe on the 'good' side of thingschallenge the Kenoma or actively assist the Pleroma at the former's direct detriment, so a fear of being punished over disloyalty and betrayal is relatively absent. Her previous life had ensured that she developed staunch work ethics, if nothing else."Like our souls' previous history?" Even Xishen doesn't know the whole of it despite having spent decades at the Regent's side, in presumably faithful service too judging by what Ciel's seen of them both so far. That tidbit isn't lost on her. "May I ask how widely does the Regent's omnipotence reach, at least as far as you're aware of? If we can speak of such things in person like this, would they know? What of communications done through communion?"
If they know, it would suggest that they do not care. She's half-expecting to not be answered, the subject really isn't one that's any faith-inspiring, thus her own expression turns a bit dubious. But... Knowing would be useful, in better tailoring herself the way she's accustomed to. She could also warn the Kenomas who are clearly less experienced in leaving their personal feelings out of professional matters, for what that may be worth.
no subject
"...I don't really want to be thought of that way, either," she admits. "That the rest of you are disposable to me. I'm not afraid of taking the fall. I'm more equipped to take it than the rest of your are." She sighs softly, her brow furrowing.
"He should be happy. If I didn't do what I did, that girl of his probably wouldn't have escaped at all."
Finally, she looks back to Ciel, lifting a shoulder.
"Like I said, I don't know the details. It does seem like, if the Regent is watching, you'll at least be aware of it... but it's also possible that they're just letting us think that. There's a spell they can use to directly access your memories, with your permission... it's what they used to see what happened in the caverns for themselves."
no subject
She offers without hesitation, demeanour mellowing out to flash a small, almost encouraging smile. It's not much and she can't promise results, but it's something she can do, and she's better placed for it too as a fresh 'recruit' just like her peers. The Regent's approval can't hurt either, not when only a small handful of them managed to gain it in front of everyone else at the table.
"That would explain why it didn't feel like they were evaluating us purely based after secondhand reports. There was a lot to keep track of." Whether it would've just been Xishen or with potential help from the Hylici soldiers, whether the sense comes from gut feeling or intuition. So their actions are always under potential surveillance and their very memories can be looked into, but there doesn't seem to be any sort of notable thought policing set in place. So far at least, and that makes sense too. Thoughts are details, while actions are results. The Regent obviously can't sweat over every little thing, given their position and their vision. They can compromise in their own way too, going by Xishen's account so far: 'they knew that's what I would do.'
...