(closed) i'm immune to you, you're immune to me

[expiera]

WHO: Ciel and Xishen
WHAT: One Kenoma Martyr lady checking on another
WHERE: Achamoth Citadel, Xishen's room
WHEN: Half an hour-ish after the feast
WARNINGS: Suicide idealization

Back on the Triwaters during the boat trip, Ciel had privately asked Xishen certain questions pertaining to their Shards. Xishen had been very to the point and professional throughout the exchange, cool and collected as she stuck to her facts and left no room for ulterior interpretations.

A complete and total contrast to how she reacted earlier that night, when she went as still as a statue while the Regent roared their laughter out after Childe had made the selfsame suggestion. It was albeit less of a suggestion and more a straight out public damnation, putting her on full blast in front of everyone else seated at the table. It wasn't hard to notice how the other woman hasn't looked up from her plate even once after that exchange, the feast certainly ended up being the longest and most awkward dinner for more than just a few among their numbers.

Childe was naturally the easier one to speak with, as the Harbinger sat next to her at the table and they've already exchanged a few friendly words prior. She went after him first for a check-in, quite aware of the foul mood the entire ordeal had left him. There was always going to be a second stop made, however, and it was after having seen to that "loose end" more or less tied that she sets off to seek out her fellow Martyr.

What is she hoping for, when she already knew there was nothing she could have said or done at that table? She must admit deep down that she still isn't entirely sure, and the Regent's extreme reaction only made matters more confusing overall. She simply knows she must find the other woman, maybe make sure she's okay if nothing else. Thus she only hesitates for a beat once she finds herself in front of the corresponding door, the direction given to her by more than one citadel servant who all knew very well where the only Aion they've served for many years resides.

...There goes.

She knocks on the door twice. No other sound is made, but she does also attempt projecting a probing, seeking feel though "communion" towards her Aion senior, that's what the other woman had referred to the act as aboard the ship. Her free hand rests atop the Shard embedded in her chest, though she has no idea if that'll do any good when taking it out is what's supposed to heighten its sensitivity for whatever ends it may be used for. Ciel herself still isn't certain of the precise steps either, and while she's successfully contacted Xishen the last two times, they were also right next to each other back then. How about now? Will Xishen even accept seeing or 'hearing' her, even if she's present in her room at this very moment?

Only one way to find out.

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[expiera]

Before she knows it, her own gaze has grown distant. She doesn't realize that the corners of her lips have ever-so-slightly turned upwards. Calm and deprecating, wanting nothing. Utter acceptance of despair, embracing the void as if it was some unconscionable source of comfort.

"Yet everything else had instead, while something like me was allowed to carry on. A monster should at least know its place, and this one knows it has no right to decide the fate of anything, much less entire worlds." She did not attempt to convince anyone in picking a side back then, precisely because she stayed true to her own reasoning. "I simply know that I must now keep going, do what I can and what I'm told. If there is a force that persists, lives, hopes, then surely, I can only stand in opposition of it."

Is it the Martyr's influence? Or the Kenoma's? Or is she merely making excuses, and it's nothing more than her own selfish whim to confess? She did not expect to become so long-winded. It's practically out of character even, she's not a candid person. Maybe she will beat herself over it later, but for now, she willingly offers the whole truth to her senior Aion, the exact way she perceives it.

She's not a good person, so she has no business being on any "good" side.

It's as simple as that.

[aionpcs]

Xishen is quiet at first, her first true response coming in the form of a soft breath of air. It's the sort of sounds one makes when they aren't quiet sure what to say, the almost laugh of being caught off guard.

"Do you see this as a place for 'monsters' then?" she asks, looking away. "The Kenoma?"

Ciel's mindset is not unheard of, but it's certainly distinct from those that join the Regent's forces for ideological reasons, or out of spite for a world that has failed them.

[expiera]

She shakes her head. As she's said, it's not her place. But... Beyond that.

"No. I have already experienced the nuances during the time we waited, even after you called things into motion. I know there are Pleromas who wouldn't dispute the label of 'monster' for themselves, who also think they can only bring ruin and should rightfully be cursed by others. Yet they chose as they have in spite of that, and resisted us with everything they have no matter what we did. Some were even more concerned for us than we ourselves are."

Or maybe she simply couldn't stop meeting messy and complicated people down there somehow, but surely it can't just be a Martyr problem? Probably...

"There's more to aligning with the Kenoma or Pleroma than beliefs about the world, others, and towards yourself, as much as they all are influencing factors. That's what I think... but what I think doesn't matter. We know too little anyway."

That too, she's already admitted to Xishen earlier, and rounds back to what spurred her to ask about a past that doesn't directly involve her. Maybe that's a Martyr thing, too? Not being nosy, no, but consideration of others regardless of sect, time period, personal beliefs, and actions taken. She did step up to fight without hesitation, yet failed to retain a single Pleroma despite having successfully taken one hostage before the spell's completion. It's part of why she didn't press Xishen about the Pleroma's escape and claims she hasn't shared their conversation with anyone else, as inconsequential as these details are at this point.

Maybe it's also why she's here, right now?...

[aionpcs]

Xishen nods her head slightly, apparently agreeing with that perspective. There's one thing that she can help with, at least. After all, she does know a lot more than Ciel does.

"...Back in a time when I was less confident about my path, the Regent promised me that, in the end, the cause of the Kenoma proved itself. The hopes of the Pleroma would always eventually fall, and every cycle of their suffering would simply bring the cosmos closer to oblivion. Their point was that there's nothing actually noble about delaying the process, I think."

He hesitates, recalling the scene she's describing. It's clearly a time in her life that holds weight.

"But... at the same time... it relies on the idea that they will fail eventually, no matter what. That it's something that can't be avoided. I guess... I wanted to give them that. The chance to fail on their own."

Her voice catches, even so slightly.

"...And they knew. They knew that's what I would do. So, even though they never told me to do it, it was what they expected of me."

[expiera]

So that's how she sees it, and a facet of the relationship between Xishen and the Regent. It doesn't entirely explain that bellowing laughter, but does provide more insight to their startling show of genuine amusement.

... But framing it like that, doesn't it open the argument towards the opposite way too? That if the Pleroma are truly not just resilient and hopeful, but also a force of good, then if they do somehow manage to triumph despite the odds, wouldn't such an outcome also prove that the Kenoma was an evil that had to be defeated all along?

Ciel decides against voicing such a thought. At least not entirely, and not now. It's not her intention to make things harder for Xishen, and it didn't matter to her much anyway as someone who's well mastered the ability to separate her thoughts and feelings from her actions.

"That sounds a little contradictory to me, but it does add up. We've had the opportunity to see the Regent displeased tonight, and that's obviously not what happened with this. They don't see the Pleroma's budding forces as a threat. If it was serious, I don't think I would've found you here, either."

There's no need to delve into the implications. Sensing the subtle shift, her serene demeanour grows more sombre as well.

"Then... May I ask why you reacted the way you did? If it's not because of the Regent as both of you already knew, could it really be because of us? Many of the others aren't in any hurry to interact with you more after what you had to do because of your responsibilities, you must also already be aware. You didn't appear very bothered by their negative perceptions before, so it's hard for me to believe you may be worried about how we would interpret your actions."

To not even touch upon that crushing deluge of loneliness and grief she happened across, while she was still on the other side of that door. It left a far larger impact than the Regent's laughter. What had this woman gone through...? It's why she thinks there's more to how Xishen reacted too, even if she can't reason out what just yet. Or had she overlooked something herself? It's a possibility, but she really doesn't know.

[aionpcs]

"It wasn't the first impression I wanted to make," she says. She looks back to Ciel, casting aside whatever she was thinking on for the moment. "To undermine the Regent in front of everyone... to give people the idea that they could do the same and get away with it."

He brow furrows, and her words become a bit more sharp.

"...Because don't take any of this to mean that the rest of you will get the same reception if you follow my example. I've worked with the Regent for decades... and even besides that, they don't always act in predictable patterns. What slides or gets punished won't always be the same. It depends on who you are, and what your intent is."

"You saw that at supper, didn't you? They don't judge things on objective merits. That man who was banished from the hall? If he's as old and powerful as they said, it probably means that they afford his actions more weight." She shakes her head. "I don't know the details, but the Regent can learn things about you through the Kenoma. They know you, and they'll act accordingly."

[expiera]

Ah, that's true. With a small and unconscious frown, she cants her head to mull over her own oversight. She didn't see it that way at all... Why actually, come to think of it? Was it because she was used to being accorded a certain degree of independent freedom, as long as the overarching results provided fell within her superiors' expectations? Or because it didn't even occur to her to question, much less cross, the very clear figure of ruling authority, especially as that power was there with them in person?

"...I don't think it was seen that way, but it's a possibility, that's true. At least one of us had been under the impression that you intended for us take the fall over our collective failure, rather than interpret it as an act of defiance against the Regent." It may be obvious to whom she is referring to, but she opts to leave out any name, just as Xishen had.

She heeds the warning, as it is one.

"Understood." She does intend to do what she's told regardless of what she learns, she'd just still like to know. As contradictory as the very act of seeking more knowledge may be, for a weapon has no need of context that may produce sympathy towards what it's intended to be used against. But she's already hurt and snuffed out so many lives she looked up to and cherished, so what's a third time in a new world so far removed from everything she once used to know?

The last part has her lower her gaze. It's more befuddling than threatening, as the revelation feels like being divulged a technical aspect of how Horos works rather than a warning to not step out of line. She doesn't ever see herself attaining faith hope defiance to be on the 'good' side of things challenge the Kenoma or actively assist the Pleroma at the former's direct detriment, so a fear of being punished over disloyalty and betrayal is relatively absent. Her previous life had ensured that she developed staunch work ethics, if nothing else.

"Like our souls' previous history?" Even Xishen doesn't know the whole of it despite having spent decades at the Regent's side, in presumably faithful service too judging by what Ciel's seen of them both so far. That tidbit isn't lost on her. "May I ask how widely does the Regent's omnipotence reach, at least as far as you're aware of? If we can speak of such things in person like this, would they know? What of communications done through communion?"

If they know, it would suggest that they do not care. She's half-expecting to not be answered, the subject really isn't one that's any faith-inspiring, thus her own expression turns a bit dubious. But... Knowing would be useful, in better tailoring herself the way she's accustomed to. She could also warn the Kenomas who are clearly less experienced in leaving their personal feelings out of professional matters, for what that may be worth.

[aionpcs]

"Maybe that's for the best," Xishen murmurs, when Ciel explains that others took her action as trying to divert responsibility to the others. At the same time, there is a flicker of discontent and worry at the idea. The moment lingers, until she apparently decides to say something. She did agree to no bullshitting, after all.

"...I don't really want to be thought of that way, either," she admits. "That the rest of you are disposable to me. I'm not afraid of taking the fall. I'm more equipped to take it than the rest of your are." She sighs softly, her brow furrowing.

"He should be happy. If I didn't do what I did, that girl of his probably wouldn't have escaped at all."

Finally, she looks back to Ciel, lifting a shoulder.

"Like I said, I don't know the details. It does seem like, if the Regent is watching, you'll at least be aware of it... but it's also possible that they're just letting us think that. There's a spell they can use to directly access your memories, with your permission... it's what they used to see what happened in the caverns for themselves."

[expiera]

"I'll try talking to them. We'll be working together from now on, we're also likely to interact with you more often than we do the Regent, at least in a direct sense. You simply did what you had to do, something they may come to better understand with time, but it would be best to work out what lingering misconceptions we can in the meanwhile."

She offers without hesitation, demeanour mellowing out to flash a small, almost encouraging smile. It's not much and she can't promise results, but it's something she can do, and she's better placed for it too as a fresh 'recruit' just like her peers. The Regent's approval can't hurt either, not when only a small handful of them managed to gain it in front of everyone else at the table.

"That would explain why it didn't feel like they were evaluating us purely based after secondhand reports. There was a lot to keep track of." Whether it would've just been Xishen or with potential help from the Hylici soldiers, whether the sense comes from gut feeling or intuition. So their actions are always under potential surveillance and their very memories can be looked into, but there doesn't seem to be any sort of notable thought policing set in place. So far at least, and that makes sense too. Thoughts are details, while actions are results. The Regent obviously can't sweat over every little thing, given their position and their vision. They can compromise in their own way too, going by Xishen's account so far: 'they knew that's what I would do.'

...